"Oliver"

everything is tainted.

Syv

So I recently went on a poetry writing spree. They all focused around one person in particular and they basically give the array of emotions that I went through. I've listed the titles with the dates:

"Whore" Wednesday, April 6, 2011

"Dreaming Sleepless and Alone" Thursday, April 7, 2011

"I Am More" Friday, April 8, 2011 (2AM)

"Suicide Regrets Can't Bring Me Down" Friday, April 8, 2011 (2PM)

Let me know what you think!

Suicide Regrets Can't Bring Me Down

Words

Cloud my mind

But silence pours out

On this page

Emotions

Turn the contents of my stomach

Forming in the back of my throat

I want everything to go right

But everything is wrong.

Head in the oven

Head in the oven

I’ve got my own methods

I’m writing you letters

I’m writing down words

That somehow will tell you

Everything

That I haven’t already said

Out loud, spat at your face

I wish those words would

Crawl back into my mouth

But I don’t regret them.

Presentation

That’s what I regret

I don’t know why I write to you

You’re a critic

Journal poetry

Don’t let it rhyme

All this is

Writing thoughts

Hitting enter

New line

New line

Emotion in every word

What I feel

It’s alright.

I’ll be okay

Don’t worry about me

I’m big girl, sir

I Am More

I’m shutting this down

I’m closing it up

This book that I’ve written

This chapter I’ve read

I’m burning it to pieces

And I couldn’t be happier.

This is the end of the same old same old

Different doesn’t exist anymore

I don’t think it ever did.

I’m tearing this down

I’m ripping it up

This picture of you

And me in my head.

Look what you’ve done

I’m writing freakin poetry

Nonsense of words

That string together

And people praise it.

My eyes hurt

I rub them

And we call it poetry

And this is what you

Want to write?

Write Write!

God please write.

It’ll make you happy

Oh but wait,

Happiness is an emotion

You don’t feel those.

Sorry dude

You’re straight out of luck

I guess you’re stuck.

Oh wait?

I’m sorry

Did that just rhyme?

I’m walking right past you

I’m ignoring you straight

Because I’m worth more than

Anything you could ever give me.

And I think I’m okay with that.

Dreaming Sleepless and Alone

i've been dreaming these dreams

and you're there

with your arms wrapped around me

the catch?

you are not there

don't exist

i think i've made you up inside my head

a line

stolen

like my thoughts of you

and i've been sleeping this way

years and years

it's second nature

and now

i just can't do it

i can't pretend

that you could love me

the way i pretend

i do.

So here I am

Alone

in my head

and as i sleep

But I've only ever

ever

ever

been alone.

Whore

I am a whore of the very worst kind

Not of sex and promiscuity

A whore of my own

Creation

You come up on my radar

Latch

Seek

Destroy

And you will never know

Each and every one of my

Dead lovers

Never loved me back

Tear them up

Spit them out

Abandoned

Just like me

But I hurt

I feel emotion

Like clods of dirt

Inside my chest

Rip it open

Scream at each

Small thing

Wrong thing

I want only this

That I can never have

Curses

Plagues

Dead

Ex-lovers

Stars in their eyes

That look past my

Efforts

Hints

Advances

I am invisible

Invincible

Or so I like to think

The invisible whore

You never saw me coming

Till I cry these three tears

Drop

Drop

Drop

Two from the right

One from the left

Just like the rest

So many to name

That wouldn’t even know my

Hurt

Abandonment

What have you done to me?

Nothing

It is I

Only I

Want so desperately

To touch

To be touched

3 little tears come from

Within this cold hard

Clenched fist

Wetting my palm

Trying to escape

Flung at your calm

Silent face.

I want to be empty

I want to not feel this

Gift.

Emotion.

In the pit of my stomach

Back of my throat

Behind these eyes

Sick

And they fall

One

Two

Three

The time it takes to

Break

Die

Latch

Seek

Destroy

I am on a rampage

To eat each man up

Bone by bone

Flesh and blood

Thoughts and loves

Till I spew it all back out

To every person I meet

I am a whore of the very worst kind

I’ve been everywhere

Nowhere

Inside everyone

No One

You cannot pay for me.

I’m too cheap.

You do not want me

I am curse

Brought on by

Liars

Abusers

Molesters

I am the product of

A past

Mistakes

And I want you to

Make me better

But I become

Worse

Liken me please

To those on the street

Full of disease

Because I am worth

Nothing

Of your time

Energy

Nothing

And I expect

Nothing more

Than this

Agonizingly

Painful

You

Are just like

Everyone else

That I never wanted you

To be

So much more than

Dead

Ex-lovers

Death from their lips

In long streams of wire

Attached at my wrists

Ankles

Binding me

Cutting deep

Blood

Red

Stains like my shirt

Cutting me

Scarring me

Until I feel so much

Nothing

And uncountable tears

Flood cities

Destroy taverns

Come knocking

Breaking free

Again

And again

And again

And you are

The same

As those

Starry-eyed, wire binding

Dead

Ex-Lovers

So much alive

Reminding me of every

Failure

Each scar on my wrist

In the form of a name

And now you join the rest

In this shallow unmarked grave

You are alone

With them

And I will

Consume this hurt

Like a breakfast

Of nails and tacks

Each bite will puncture

The last remaining composure

Till I am nothing once again

Radar

Radar

Detecting

Latch

Seek

Destroy

All over again

The very worst kind

Decisions. Decisions.

I'm a people pleaser. Did you know this about me?

I'm a HUGE people pleaser. It shows up in almost everything I do. What I read, what I wear.

Don't get me wrong. I do this because it does please me. I want to do these things. Making other people happy make me happy. Simple as that.

Except that now I'm forced to make a decision based on ME. And only ME.

I cannot make this decision based on what other people want me to do. I need to base this decision on what I need to do. On what is best for me.

Do I go home? Or do I stay here?

I've been struggling with this because it's not like I have the normal arguments. I have someplace to live here. And getting a job won't be that difficult either.

I can't make this decision based on what my family wants me to do. I need to make this decision based on me. Part of me feels like that is selfish, but after Christmas Break. . .I think that's okay.

A wise person has just recently told me that decisions like this are Opportunities not Burdens.

I can do God's will in whatever I choose.

I guess at this point it's about actually making a definite decision. Which is probably the hardest place to be right now because I'm feeling [mostly] at peace about both outcomes.