I Didn't Even Have A Mirror In My Room Back Home. . .

you know my friends are always telling me not to compare myself to other people. But then they sit there and complain about the way their legs looks. And how 150 dollars is WAY too much to spend on a pair of jeans but $90 is fine. i look in their closets and I look at them and I honestly can't help it. No i can't sit there for hours and search the internet for some cute jeans. No actually the most i'm willing to pay is $30 on a pair of jeans and that's stretching it. No, YOU aren't fat. I am obese compared to you. Which isn't even true but this friend is a healthy stick!!! Well, I'm not. Heck call me big-boned just don't call me smaller than her. And money's always an issue. My friend finds out she's got $300 in her bank account. I can't help but think about the message i sent my mom pleading her for 20 because I currently have $13 in my bank account. HEr deciding that she's going shopping and my other friend joining her. We're going to tea tomorrow and they want to dress up. I don't have anything nice to wear because I have to replace the zipper on my good pants and I wore my other good pants today! I'm wearing my old school skirt and I know the second they see it they are going to laugh. And I love them so I'll just pass it off as a joke because they don't understand. Their always talking about the car they are going to get over the summer and i'm just sitting there thinking about how i'm supposed to pay for a liscence let alone a car. Or when they complain when they have nothing to wear and I just think to my clothes and I realize that I brought EVERYTHING I OWN. And they all have tons of clothes back home. Yeah the pants my mom got me for christmas are too big on me. BUT THEY ARE ALL I HAVE! Everything else is either ripped in the butt or crotch or just won't fit me. Or maybe it's dirty. Either way I've got nothing compared to half their closets. One friend was talking about them having an intercom system in their house. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT COMPARE MYSELF TO THAT??? And when that friend talks about how fat her legs are and how terribly she looks that day I just want to scream at her to SHUT UP. Because she doesn't know how bad it is. I'm so insecure I hate showers. I hate standing there naked and seeing all of my flaws. I'm so insecure that when I find something that looks good on me I do it over and over and over again. I'M SO INSECURE I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A MIRROR IN MY ROOM BACK HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they all tell me I'm pretty and all that crap and yeah I can be. But when I try something different they immediately stamp it out. For instance I want to dye my hair but they won't let me until i start taking better care of my hair and then it'll be what they want. Or how about a lip ring? I think I look good. . .Or how about guys. One friend thinks that men are jerks and just doesn't like them, the other just celebrated her 6month and the other friend could have a boyfriend in a second flat. I know that God has someone out there for me it's just so hard to comprehend the fact that there will one day be someone in my life who will love me for me. for my crazy whims and ideas. for my messed up personality that clashes at all levels. for the fact that if i laugh to hard i pee my pants. for the fact that i hate looking in the mirror to see the woman staring back with hurt and defeat lying in her eyes just far enough away that her friends can't see it because they don't understand why it's there they don't understand what it's like to have things ripped our from underneath you even closer to home: disappearing from the dining room table, or God forbid yeah those jeans ARE to expensive. One day someone's gonna love me and I am waiting for that day like none other.

Oh. . .these are pics of me with a fake lipring:

Insignificance

I stood there. Surrounded by hundreds maybe thousands of people wearing some variation of black and white. I was too. But I was also wearing a bright red jacket. One you could spot from anywhere in that packed room. I probably knew about a quarter of the people there. There wasn't any dancing. Just hot bodies mingled together. I moved to the center of the crowd. I looked up at the balloons. I started turning slow circles. I could feel the weight of people pressing in on me. I could here the conversations start spilling into each other. No one noticed me. They started counting down at 3 minutes, I turned a slow circle. 2 minutes, I was staring into space. 1 minute 30 seconds, i could feel the empty spaces around me begin to fill with more people than that space allowed. 1 minute, there was clapping; there was cheering. They started counting down 10, 9, 8, I closed my eyes, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The balloons fell. I stood there with my eyes closed feeling everyone around me scramble for a balloon. Then they started popping them. The sound echoed in my ears one after another. From around the room camera flashes began to go off, but all i could see where bright bursts behind my closed eyelids. The popping grew louder and the flashes brighter. It felt so much like fireworks. I just let everything go. And I stood there. Getting pushed and shoved I stood there. Thinking about how amazing this feeling was. The feeling of insignificance. No cared about me in that instance. I was just a weird girl in a red jacket who wouldn't move. But to me I was so much more. I was teleported to better times. Times unknown. They say ignorance is bliss. . .I'd have to agree that in this instance, no one caring about me, no one telling me to move no one noticing me. That was bliss. Knowing that for even a few seconds I could be alone in a sea of lost faces. Knowing that even though I wasn't alone I could feel it. And I know that seems weird but it felt good to be alone for those few seconds. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I would be nothing without them, but sometimes I just want to be able to live without social contact or human interaction. It's so overrated. And yet I'm one of the friendliest people you'll ever meet here. I don't really know why that is I just know that in that 30 or so seconds after midnight I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. Not many would believe me when I say i didn't hear anything except the pops of the balloons. The flashes of light that accompanied them were all that was in my head. And it felt good.

so i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face as i realize i really have no idea what I'm gonna do. I'm a double major at Indiana Wesleyan. . .elementary education and special education. For the past couple of months I've been unsure if I've been and eled/speced major because I want to be or because God wants me to be. I'm not sure if God wants me where I am right now. I know he wants me at IWU. He made that happen. But i'm just not sure about my major. At lovemercy I asked Trey Pearson of Everyday Sunday if he'd ever felt like he was in the band because he wanted to be and not because God wanted him to be. And how he'd decided. Trey's answer was something along the lines of 'examine your opportunities. If you are in the field that God wants you to be he will open doors for you. He'll help you. If you think he might be calling you somewhere else look and see--is God opening doors in that field of study? If not that's not where you are supposed to be.' This made perfect sense to me. . .So I'm going through classes today--Math for Elementary Teachers and America Education today. Math sucked but that's normal. American Education on the other hand was enlightening. Dr. Elsberry talked about how even before you were born God had your career in mind. Every talent and ability you have is dedicated to being what God wants you to be. I just felt like that was for me. I love kids. I love to work with kids. I've always loved helping in school. I'm creative. I'm slightly musical. All these things point toward working with kids and working in a school. HMMMMM kinda made me think like I'm supposed to be a teacher. . . . .so i got excited. I was just talking to a friend about this and she goes. . .'not to burst your bubble or anything but I don't think that's true. I mean wasd david equipped to fight Goliath?' she said that as if it was a stupid question. I always thought that YES. He was equipped according to God's requirements. But according to my friend that's not right. I guess the fact that David was good with a sling had nothing to do with it. It was all God. I'd just like to know who gave David that talent? Who gave him the strenth. Everything in David's life was set up for not just defeating Goliath but for everything else. Tell me how David would have had that strength if he wasn't a shepherd forced to protect his flock from a lion and a bear. Yeah i know I wasn't born creative. I wasn't born with a patience and love for kids. But everything in my life has helped develop them. If i didn't have aunts who taught me how to sew and parents who welcomed creativity I wouldn't be half as creative as I am. If i didn't have teachers who were so willing to teach I wouldn't be so enthused about teaching. If i didn't have so many younger siblings I wouldn't have slowly developed my love for young kids. If i hadn't been adopted I wouldn't have so many siblings! Do you see what I'm getting at? She was quick to point out that she didn't mean to just completely burst my bubble but that I should know that what the prof really meant was that I should seek God. WHo the heck says I haven't been seeking God? Now I have no idea what to do. I love my friend but I think she's wrong. And I don't want to tell her that either.

well it's definite. . .I have pinkeye. Don't really know why you'd want to know that or why it matters but i do. I've got the worst luck ever. I mean the very first week of classes last semester i had the flu. And the first week of classes this semester, I have a sore throat, cough, runny nose, swollen ankle AND Pinkeye. Which by the way. . .is disgusting.

Really?

So here i sit. I'm at my desk at IWU. I've got a swollen ankle, a sore throat, a cough, a runny nose, and possible pinkeye. My friends don't want to hang out with me. I missed them so much and now they don't want to hang out with me. . . how wonderful. To top it off I'm feeling fat today. I mean i know i'm not by any means. . .yeah i'm larger than some my size but then i'm smaller than some my size as well. .. but seriously i just feel like crap.

Those Books. . .

I hate how in all the books the girl thinks she's in love with this one person and the end of the book she realizes she really and truly loves like her best guy friend and he loves her back--the end. But that's the thing. . .It doesn't really end there! And seriously how many times does a girl tell a guy she loves him--and he loves her back and tells her--before they even start dating? NEVER. And besides that how many teenages really know what love is? Just because your heart flutters and your palms get sweaty and you feel nervous doesn't mean your in love. In all the books the girl claims she's in love with someone and finds her heart fluttering when some other guys smiles at her. Next thing you know the girl and the guy who makes her heart flutter end up together. But the stories never talk about what happens to the boy-crazy chick who watched the guy she liked crush on three girls (one at a time) and never think about her till 4 years after they meet and he turns out to be just a really awesome guy friend. Or what about the girl who confesses to her crush that she likes him so he dumps his girlfriend and goes out with her. He claims to love her but a month and a half into the relationship he ends it for a really dumb reason--then he starts badmouthing her and majorly flirting with other girls. . . .Where is the Prince Charming for the girl crying on the bridge. . . .the girl crying because she can't eat because he's there. . . .the girl crying because he's hugging someone else like a day after the break up. . .the girl crying because her favorite song brings back bittersweet memories of his arms around her. Where is HER night in shining armor? Does she even have one? Where is the story of the girl who's heart gets broken and nobody fixes it? Where is the story where the main character doesn't get the guy she wants? Where are the stories that have actually gotten in touch with reality? Seriously let me know when you find them because honestly all those bogus romances are making her feel like something's wrong with her. . .it's fine for those few girls who actually live those strangely perfect worlds but for the rest of the world who don't always get happy endings would really like to read a story that could actually happen to them in real life--NOT in their dreams. . .because sometimes. . .they're dreams make them cry too. . .



i wrote this about a year and a half ago

Oh The Insanity

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. . .This is the World as We Know It

Stupid Cave Movies Part Deux

She breaks through. She breathes air. She lives and the 5 die. She climbs in a car and rushes away. Pulls to the side of the road. . .sobs. . . .almost gets run over by a semi. . . .throws up. . . . oh wait it was dream. dang it I really wanted her to walk into wal-mart all covered in blood like that. . .

Stupid Cave Movies

so as i sit here watching a movie the woman on the screen having just fallen into a pool of blood that goes over her head killing off a creature and letting out a very unladylike scream i wonder what is point of this all? I mean why do we sit around and watch these stupid cave movies where the f-word is thrown around by people with accents or where people get chased/killed/eaten/all of the above by weird once people things? Why do we watch movies where a pill can turn a baby into a demon child that eats everything from mice to cops and by cops and Imean people? What do we gain from them? I mean what do we gain from watching blood spill out the neck of some prideful cave explorer? why do we watch this crap??? we gain nothing from it. I mean the only reason i see to watch a scary movie it's all self-gain. Personally, for me I laugh. When the cheating husband gets speared in the face with a pole. He got what he had coming. Why do we waste our money?