I Didn't Even Have A Mirror In My Room Back Home. . .

you know my friends are always telling me not to compare myself to other people. But then they sit there and complain about the way their legs looks. And how 150 dollars is WAY too much to spend on a pair of jeans but $90 is fine. i look in their closets and I look at them and I honestly can't help it. No i can't sit there for hours and search the internet for some cute jeans. No actually the most i'm willing to pay is $30 on a pair of jeans and that's stretching it. No, YOU aren't fat. I am obese compared to you. Which isn't even true but this friend is a healthy stick!!! Well, I'm not. Heck call me big-boned just don't call me smaller than her. And money's always an issue. My friend finds out she's got $300 in her bank account. I can't help but think about the message i sent my mom pleading her for 20 because I currently have $13 in my bank account. HEr deciding that she's going shopping and my other friend joining her. We're going to tea tomorrow and they want to dress up. I don't have anything nice to wear because I have to replace the zipper on my good pants and I wore my other good pants today! I'm wearing my old school skirt and I know the second they see it they are going to laugh. And I love them so I'll just pass it off as a joke because they don't understand. Their always talking about the car they are going to get over the summer and i'm just sitting there thinking about how i'm supposed to pay for a liscence let alone a car. Or when they complain when they have nothing to wear and I just think to my clothes and I realize that I brought EVERYTHING I OWN. And they all have tons of clothes back home. Yeah the pants my mom got me for christmas are too big on me. BUT THEY ARE ALL I HAVE! Everything else is either ripped in the butt or crotch or just won't fit me. Or maybe it's dirty. Either way I've got nothing compared to half their closets. One friend was talking about them having an intercom system in their house. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT COMPARE MYSELF TO THAT??? And when that friend talks about how fat her legs are and how terribly she looks that day I just want to scream at her to SHUT UP. Because she doesn't know how bad it is. I'm so insecure I hate showers. I hate standing there naked and seeing all of my flaws. I'm so insecure that when I find something that looks good on me I do it over and over and over again. I'M SO INSECURE I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A MIRROR IN MY ROOM BACK HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they all tell me I'm pretty and all that crap and yeah I can be. But when I try something different they immediately stamp it out. For instance I want to dye my hair but they won't let me until i start taking better care of my hair and then it'll be what they want. Or how about a lip ring? I think I look good. . .Or how about guys. One friend thinks that men are jerks and just doesn't like them, the other just celebrated her 6month and the other friend could have a boyfriend in a second flat. I know that God has someone out there for me it's just so hard to comprehend the fact that there will one day be someone in my life who will love me for me. for my crazy whims and ideas. for my messed up personality that clashes at all levels. for the fact that if i laugh to hard i pee my pants. for the fact that i hate looking in the mirror to see the woman staring back with hurt and defeat lying in her eyes just far enough away that her friends can't see it because they don't understand why it's there they don't understand what it's like to have things ripped our from underneath you even closer to home: disappearing from the dining room table, or God forbid yeah those jeans ARE to expensive. One day someone's gonna love me and I am waiting for that day like none other.

Oh. . .these are pics of me with a fake lipring: