Dear God

Daddy,

I wish that I could help people more. I want to be able to magically come up with things to say that will ease their worries. I want so badly to be able to soothe all their frustrations and to wipe away all their tears. I hate it when they calling me crying and I can't seem to do anything to help them. I want so badly to help. Dear God, please help me, help them.

Amen

Things That I Want

I want to be able to wrap my arms around someone.

I want to be able to hold hands with someone.

I want to dress up for someone.

I want someone.

I want someone that loves me for me.

I want someone that will make me laugh.

I want someone I can be crazy with.

I want someone who will know when I'm upset without me saying anything.

I want someone who loves Jesus more than anything in the world, but I'm a close second.

I want to mean so much to someone that they can't possible live without me.

I want all these things so badly that sometimes, it hurts.

And I know that I will have these things if God wills it. I know that if He wills it it will happen on His time, but sometimes I just don't want to wait.

I like to think that all I really want to do is experience it. But, honestly, the most important thing I want?

I want forever.

Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia/näˈstaljə/Noun

1. A sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

2. The evocation of these feelings or tendencies, esp. in commercialized form. More »

Wikipedia - Dictionary.com - Answers.com - Merriam-Webster

I'm feeling it. As I slowly take down everything off of my walls and pack things into a box I'm feeling nostalgic. I hate this time of the year. When things end. I know that things will start up again in another four months, but it's just so depressing. Knowing that there are friends that aren't coming back, friends that I'll never see again, I just, I hate it. It feels awful. I hate endings.I can't stand them.

Freedom

I am free.

I am free from the hurt and the pain.

I am free from the guilt.

I am free from everything that I was carrying around.

All of my questions, everything, is gone.

And it feels so wonderful. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing I feel right now. God is SO AMAZING. I feel so light and most of all I feel free. I am so free.

Thanks and Praise be to God.

Frustration

Looking at pictures

Of your smiling face

And I wonder

I wonder why

You’re face used to be

Warm

Inviting

Kind of cute

But now when I see you

It’s cold, hard

There’s a persistent shadow

No smile pointed at my direction

All I do is wonder anymore

I miss you

I want to know what’s wrong

Because something is wrong

Something had to make you act like this

You are not yourself anymore

And that’s the worst feeling ever.

I don’t understand why.

Why is such a hard question.

To ask and to answer.

Get off my facebook.

I don’t want to unfriend you, but I’m sick of the constant reminders. I’m trying to write poetry and all I can think about is the fact that you don’t like my poetry and that it couldn’t even be poetry. I hate that you’re the one who encouraged me to write. And now you’re the one, unknowingly preventing me. I hate that. I can’t stand it. What have you done to me? And more importantly why?

Why?

Why do people have so much power over us?

Or I guess. . .why do we let people have so much power over us?

Why can just seeing one person make my stomach so upset that I lose my appetite and have to force myself to eat?

Why can a smile from one person completely throw someone else out of my mind?

Why? Why do I have to feel these things?

Why do people do this to other people?

I'm so confused, hurt, angry and sad. At myself and other people.

This Is A Blog. Not a Journal.

For those of you who have kept track of my blog. . .you might notice something missing. I just deleted about 20 posts. Posts about certain people that were read by certain people. And I dearly paid for it. This is a blog. And I was writing a journal. I'm done with that. I can't let something that I use to help me, harm me and the people I care about it. No more names, because I'm done talking about people and situations. I'll tell you how I feel. I'll tell you random thoughts. But I don't have a right to write about anyone besides myself. So I'm done. I'm done unknowingly hurting people. I need to stop talking about people like they don't exist and start talking about people like they are standing right next to me. I don't think I'd say half the things that come out of my mouth. I just can't get over how awful I feel. I have some major apologizing to do.

I Hurt

It's like this deep intense feeling in the pit of my chest.

I feel sick to my stomach.

I don't want to do anything.

I don't want to see anything.

I don't physically hurt.

I just know that there is something inside of me that just hurts.

Part of me wants to be angry at him.

But I know that this is kind of my fault too.

I just. I don't want to do this. I don't want to pretend that everything is okay.

That I am okay.

It hurts too much. I don't like it. I can't bear it.

I look at him and my whole perspective has changed.

His face isn't warm, inviting, attractive anymore.

It has a cold, hard, persistent shadow.

I have to believe that he is not the same as he was a week ago.

I have to believe that one day I'll be able to look back on everything we did together and be happy, but right now. Right now all I want to do is cry. I want to curl up and cry until nothing comes out of my eyes. I do not want to be strong. I do not want to do or be anything. I just want to talk to him. We don't even have to be friends. I just want to know that this is not the end. The fact that this is the end is burning in my chest. Right about where the heart is. I'm so emotionally hurt, I physically feel it. I look like crap and I feel like crap. Know that the smile on my face is probably fake. At least I have the strength to fake it. At least I have the strength to pretend. Because if I couldn't pretend and I had to walk around this campus with all of this written on my face, I can't even imagine what I would do. I just want to sleep. Sleep it all away. I don't even care if I sound like a drama queen about this. This is what I feel. Get used to it. Get over it. I should take my own advice.

Is the End in Sight?

I just don't know what to do with myself right now. Part of me wants to curl up on my bed and just cry and cry and cry. The other, stronger part of me says to land on my feet and pretend that nothing is wrong. But is that really the stronger part? Is ignoring the pain I feel being STRONG? Or is that just being a coward? Shouldn't I just bear it? Wouldn't that be the stronger thing to do? And if I am supposed to bear it than how? How do you bear the pain of a break up, when we weren't even in a relationship? Knowing that had I just left things ALONE. Something could've happened, but I couldn't just leave things alone and now. . .there's a message sitting in my inbox that I just keep staring at. I'm kind of on a cycle. Sit and stare at the message, tearing apart each and every word. Each and every line falling under my scrutiny. Then I realize what I'm doing and I put the computer down and I curl up in a ball and I cry. A little bit less each time, but I cry. Again, I realize what I'm doing and jump up ready to face anything, even him. And for those few hours, I am on cloud nine. Nothing can stop me. Oliver who? I pretend I'm fine. I pretend that nothing is wrong and that the awkward silence and concerned looks I get when I say his name don't exist. Is that okay though? I mean isn't ignoring everything, pushing it down and pretending it doesn't exist, saying "I am okay" so many times that, in a sense, it was true. . .isn't that what got me in trouble in the first place? Isn't that what has me sitting in a counselors office every week spilling my guts and getting feedback about them? So what do I do? What do I do? I'm so much at a loss. Someone help me.

"Oliver"

everything is tainted.

Syv

So I recently went on a poetry writing spree. They all focused around one person in particular and they basically give the array of emotions that I went through. I've listed the titles with the dates:

"Whore" Wednesday, April 6, 2011

"Dreaming Sleepless and Alone" Thursday, April 7, 2011

"I Am More" Friday, April 8, 2011 (2AM)

"Suicide Regrets Can't Bring Me Down" Friday, April 8, 2011 (2PM)

Let me know what you think!

Suicide Regrets Can't Bring Me Down

Words

Cloud my mind

But silence pours out

On this page

Emotions

Turn the contents of my stomach

Forming in the back of my throat

I want everything to go right

But everything is wrong.

Head in the oven

Head in the oven

I’ve got my own methods

I’m writing you letters

I’m writing down words

That somehow will tell you

Everything

That I haven’t already said

Out loud, spat at your face

I wish those words would

Crawl back into my mouth

But I don’t regret them.

Presentation

That’s what I regret

I don’t know why I write to you

You’re a critic

Journal poetry

Don’t let it rhyme

All this is

Writing thoughts

Hitting enter

New line

New line

Emotion in every word

What I feel

It’s alright.

I’ll be okay

Don’t worry about me

I’m big girl, sir

I Am More

I’m shutting this down

I’m closing it up

This book that I’ve written

This chapter I’ve read

I’m burning it to pieces

And I couldn’t be happier.

This is the end of the same old same old

Different doesn’t exist anymore

I don’t think it ever did.

I’m tearing this down

I’m ripping it up

This picture of you

And me in my head.

Look what you’ve done

I’m writing freakin poetry

Nonsense of words

That string together

And people praise it.

My eyes hurt

I rub them

And we call it poetry

And this is what you

Want to write?

Write Write!

God please write.

It’ll make you happy

Oh but wait,

Happiness is an emotion

You don’t feel those.

Sorry dude

You’re straight out of luck

I guess you’re stuck.

Oh wait?

I’m sorry

Did that just rhyme?

I’m walking right past you

I’m ignoring you straight

Because I’m worth more than

Anything you could ever give me.

And I think I’m okay with that.

Dreaming Sleepless and Alone

i've been dreaming these dreams

and you're there

with your arms wrapped around me

the catch?

you are not there

don't exist

i think i've made you up inside my head

a line

stolen

like my thoughts of you

and i've been sleeping this way

years and years

it's second nature

and now

i just can't do it

i can't pretend

that you could love me

the way i pretend

i do.

So here I am

Alone

in my head

and as i sleep

But I've only ever

ever

ever

been alone.

Whore

I am a whore of the very worst kind

Not of sex and promiscuity

A whore of my own

Creation

You come up on my radar

Latch

Seek

Destroy

And you will never know

Each and every one of my

Dead lovers

Never loved me back

Tear them up

Spit them out

Abandoned

Just like me

But I hurt

I feel emotion

Like clods of dirt

Inside my chest

Rip it open

Scream at each

Small thing

Wrong thing

I want only this

That I can never have

Curses

Plagues

Dead

Ex-lovers

Stars in their eyes

That look past my

Efforts

Hints

Advances

I am invisible

Invincible

Or so I like to think

The invisible whore

You never saw me coming

Till I cry these three tears

Drop

Drop

Drop

Two from the right

One from the left

Just like the rest

So many to name

That wouldn’t even know my

Hurt

Abandonment

What have you done to me?

Nothing

It is I

Only I

Want so desperately

To touch

To be touched

3 little tears come from

Within this cold hard

Clenched fist

Wetting my palm

Trying to escape

Flung at your calm

Silent face.

I want to be empty

I want to not feel this

Gift.

Emotion.

In the pit of my stomach

Back of my throat

Behind these eyes

Sick

And they fall

One

Two

Three

The time it takes to

Break

Die

Latch

Seek

Destroy

I am on a rampage

To eat each man up

Bone by bone

Flesh and blood

Thoughts and loves

Till I spew it all back out

To every person I meet

I am a whore of the very worst kind

I’ve been everywhere

Nowhere

Inside everyone

No One

You cannot pay for me.

I’m too cheap.

You do not want me

I am curse

Brought on by

Liars

Abusers

Molesters

I am the product of

A past

Mistakes

And I want you to

Make me better

But I become

Worse

Liken me please

To those on the street

Full of disease

Because I am worth

Nothing

Of your time

Energy

Nothing

And I expect

Nothing more

Than this

Agonizingly

Painful

You

Are just like

Everyone else

That I never wanted you

To be

So much more than

Dead

Ex-lovers

Death from their lips

In long streams of wire

Attached at my wrists

Ankles

Binding me

Cutting deep

Blood

Red

Stains like my shirt

Cutting me

Scarring me

Until I feel so much

Nothing

And uncountable tears

Flood cities

Destroy taverns

Come knocking

Breaking free

Again

And again

And again

And you are

The same

As those

Starry-eyed, wire binding

Dead

Ex-Lovers

So much alive

Reminding me of every

Failure

Each scar on my wrist

In the form of a name

And now you join the rest

In this shallow unmarked grave

You are alone

With them

And I will

Consume this hurt

Like a breakfast

Of nails and tacks

Each bite will puncture

The last remaining composure

Till I am nothing once again

Radar

Radar

Detecting

Latch

Seek

Destroy

All over again

The very worst kind

Decisions. Decisions.

I'm a people pleaser. Did you know this about me?

I'm a HUGE people pleaser. It shows up in almost everything I do. What I read, what I wear.

Don't get me wrong. I do this because it does please me. I want to do these things. Making other people happy make me happy. Simple as that.

Except that now I'm forced to make a decision based on ME. And only ME.

I cannot make this decision based on what other people want me to do. I need to base this decision on what I need to do. On what is best for me.

Do I go home? Or do I stay here?

I've been struggling with this because it's not like I have the normal arguments. I have someplace to live here. And getting a job won't be that difficult either.

I can't make this decision based on what my family wants me to do. I need to make this decision based on me. Part of me feels like that is selfish, but after Christmas Break. . .I think that's okay.

A wise person has just recently told me that decisions like this are Opportunities not Burdens.

I can do God's will in whatever I choose.

I guess at this point it's about actually making a definite decision. Which is probably the hardest place to be right now because I'm feeling [mostly] at peace about both outcomes.