God's Will?

So I'm sitting here trying to write this lesson plan.
And I've been having this thought run through my mind for a while now.

Am I focusing on what is important?

Now, I'm in college. In one of the most difficult semesters of my degree. So the first thought is if I'm doing my school work than of course I'm doing what is important.

Let me throw another thought at you.

Who defines what is important?

So often I find myself thinking that because God has put me on this campus, because he has gotten me this far into the education program, he must want me to get a degree in education.
Right?
Perhaps.

But I can't help thinking about a third thought. One that my mother tuned me in to to.

Perhaps.
My goal in life is not to get my degree in education.
My goal in life is to do God's will.

And perhaps God's will in my life is not to get my degree in education.

I'm not saying I've been wasting my time here.
Definitely not saying that.

What am I saying is that, perhaps it is God's will for me to be here and to go through these classes with something else entirely in store.
My mother told me that she got her associates in Christian Ministries.
She worked as a lab technician for 20 years.
In fact, she's never held an official position in the church.
Yet, every single thing she learned attaining her degree she has used since she graduated.

So how is this affecting my thoughts and the way I live?
I don't think it has ever really been about getting a degree in education.
I think it's always been about the experiences that I've been through and the classes I've been in and the people I've met.
I think that's why I'm here, to invest in the lives of others and to learn from what others have invested in me.

And I'm Back

So I've decided to bring back my blogger.
Mainly because I need an outlet to write
I want to write.
And I love my tumblr.
I just don't love to write on my tumblr.
So follow me on tumblr to see my pictures and quotes and things like that
And I'll just be over here writing about Jesus and life and school and work and stuff.

You're In All the Wrong Places

Heyo! I've relocated. Yeah I know. You've got to remember a different URL. Well I made it easy for you this time.

http://lydiasamantha.tumblr.com/

There you go (:

Frustrations From a "Best Friend. . .?"

Sometimes I just want to talk to you.

Not about an ex-girlfriend.

Not about anything.

I just want to talk to you like a best friend talks to another.

I want the inside jokes and funny nicknames back.

I want to talk to you late into the night about absolutely nothing.

Sometime I just don’t want to talk about her anymore.

But at the same time, I so desperately want to be there for you.

I want to let you talk out all the hurt and the pain.

I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you

It’ll all be okay, friend, you can get through this.

I want you to call me at 3 in the morning with a breakthrough

Sometimes I feel used.

Like you only talk to me because I am willing to help you.

You only talk to me about her.

And I want to scream at you.

You can be so inconsiderate

But there is something about me

That takes it all in

I take it in and I let it wash over me

And I do the best I can to help you

I do. I do. But sometimes I just curl up and cry

Because there is so much that I want to say to you

So I’m going to say it now.

Get over her.

Just get over and get on with your life.

She hurt you.

I understand that you have to deal with it.

But it doesn’t have to occupy every second of your life.

You can’t keep living like this.

Sooner or later you’re going to drive away everyone close to you.

You’ve come so close to driving me away.

But there’s just something about you.

And God keeps telling me to wait.

So here I am.

I’m waiting.

And through all of this waiting

I will talk to you about your ex-girlfriend.

I will text you everyday

And when I say something that pisses you off,

I will retract it, I will apologize and I will wish

Every single day,

That all of this.

All of this that I’ve written

Would be known to you.

But until that day,

Everything will continue

Exactly

The

Way

It

Is.

Dang it, I’m writing poetry again.

Worry.

It's amazing how the phrase "Don't worry about me, I'll be okay" can seem so frightening, so daunting. And it never works. I mean honestly. . .how many times do people say this? And what happens? You just worry even more. And that's where I'm at. I'm so worried and scared and I feel helpless. I know. I shouldn't worry. I know my friend says they'll be okay. But I just can't help not believing them. Maybe it's because I desire to help people so much that I can't just let them go. I need to work on that. I need to work on loosening the ties I have on my friends. But at the same time I have to make sure that I don't just stop caring about them. Ha what am I talking about. . .I can't just stop caring about anyone. I feel like I'm doomed to worry about all of my friends. Maybe I worry about them because it's easier than worrying about my own problems.

The Things I Do

I just seem to drive away all the guys in my life away from me. I try so desperately to be just friends with them, but something always happens. Always. I always do something that makes them realize they can't be friends with me. I'm afraid I've done it again. But I can't lose this friend. I can't do it. It hurts too much because his friendship means too much to me.

Change?

I want to be able to miss him. I want to post on his wall and say "I miss you, friend." I want to text him and say "When are you gonna visit me?" I want him to respond by telling me how much he misses me and telling me he's going to visit me soon. But I know that none of that is ever going to happen. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I really want that anymore. I mean after everything that happened between us. . .God I just wish that nothing had changed. I wish that most of all. And that is the one thing that will always happen. Things will always change.

Summer Summer

It's a song by The Almost and I honestly just put that in the title and then I decided to look up the lyrics and I came across something I found rather interesting.

Empty streets, empty me
Just call me vagabond
Wandering in the sun
This is getting sort of old
Wandering aimlessly
Is it empty streets or empty me?

Here's the thing about this summer. Actually about here on out. I want things to be different. I caught myself doing something today. I've been finding someone I work with kind of attractive. He like country music. I hate it, but I thought about starting to listen to it just so I'd have something to talk to him about. And that's not okay. I don't need to start changing myself for people. I hate that about other people but I've realized that I do it far too often. So I began to wonder, have I ever done anything for me? Anything because I wanted to? Anything because it was my idea? I know I have, don't get me wrong, but there are just so many parts of my daily life that have become so mundane and I think to myself "Why do I do these things?" and I far too often catch myself saying "Because So-and-So. . ." and that's not okay with me. I started a journey to find myself. But how can I find myself when so much of my life is defined by other people? Where are the projects I did for me? Who are the artists I listened to for me? Where are the clothes that I wear for me? What is the hairstyle for me? Is it okay for me to base these things off of the opinion of everyone else so much so that I do it FOR them? Do I listen to this artist because HE likes it or do I keep my hair long because THEY like it?

Is it an empty campus? Or is it an empty me? I think it's neither but both at the same time.

Dear God

Daddy,

I wish that I could help people more. I want to be able to magically come up with things to say that will ease their worries. I want so badly to be able to soothe all their frustrations and to wipe away all their tears. I hate it when they calling me crying and I can't seem to do anything to help them. I want so badly to help. Dear God, please help me, help them.

Amen

Things That I Want

I want to be able to wrap my arms around someone.

I want to be able to hold hands with someone.

I want to dress up for someone.

I want someone.

I want someone that loves me for me.

I want someone that will make me laugh.

I want someone I can be crazy with.

I want someone who will know when I'm upset without me saying anything.

I want someone who loves Jesus more than anything in the world, but I'm a close second.

I want to mean so much to someone that they can't possible live without me.

I want all these things so badly that sometimes, it hurts.

And I know that I will have these things if God wills it. I know that if He wills it it will happen on His time, but sometimes I just don't want to wait.

I like to think that all I really want to do is experience it. But, honestly, the most important thing I want?

I want forever.

Nostalgia

nos·tal·gia/näˈstaljə/Noun

1. A sentimental longing for the past, typically for a period or place with happy personal associations.

2. The evocation of these feelings or tendencies, esp. in commercialized form. More »

Wikipedia - Dictionary.com - Answers.com - Merriam-Webster

I'm feeling it. As I slowly take down everything off of my walls and pack things into a box I'm feeling nostalgic. I hate this time of the year. When things end. I know that things will start up again in another four months, but it's just so depressing. Knowing that there are friends that aren't coming back, friends that I'll never see again, I just, I hate it. It feels awful. I hate endings.I can't stand them.

Freedom

I am free.

I am free from the hurt and the pain.

I am free from the guilt.

I am free from everything that I was carrying around.

All of my questions, everything, is gone.

And it feels so wonderful. I can't even begin to tell you how amazing I feel right now. God is SO AMAZING. I feel so light and most of all I feel free. I am so free.

Thanks and Praise be to God.

Frustration

Looking at pictures

Of your smiling face

And I wonder

I wonder why

You’re face used to be

Warm

Inviting

Kind of cute

But now when I see you

It’s cold, hard

There’s a persistent shadow

No smile pointed at my direction

All I do is wonder anymore

I miss you

I want to know what’s wrong

Because something is wrong

Something had to make you act like this

You are not yourself anymore

And that’s the worst feeling ever.

I don’t understand why.

Why is such a hard question.

To ask and to answer.

Get off my facebook.

I don’t want to unfriend you, but I’m sick of the constant reminders. I’m trying to write poetry and all I can think about is the fact that you don’t like my poetry and that it couldn’t even be poetry. I hate that you’re the one who encouraged me to write. And now you’re the one, unknowingly preventing me. I hate that. I can’t stand it. What have you done to me? And more importantly why?

Why?

Why do people have so much power over us?

Or I guess. . .why do we let people have so much power over us?

Why can just seeing one person make my stomach so upset that I lose my appetite and have to force myself to eat?

Why can a smile from one person completely throw someone else out of my mind?

Why? Why do I have to feel these things?

Why do people do this to other people?

I'm so confused, hurt, angry and sad. At myself and other people.

This Is A Blog. Not a Journal.

For those of you who have kept track of my blog. . .you might notice something missing. I just deleted about 20 posts. Posts about certain people that were read by certain people. And I dearly paid for it. This is a blog. And I was writing a journal. I'm done with that. I can't let something that I use to help me, harm me and the people I care about it. No more names, because I'm done talking about people and situations. I'll tell you how I feel. I'll tell you random thoughts. But I don't have a right to write about anyone besides myself. So I'm done. I'm done unknowingly hurting people. I need to stop talking about people like they don't exist and start talking about people like they are standing right next to me. I don't think I'd say half the things that come out of my mouth. I just can't get over how awful I feel. I have some major apologizing to do.

I Hurt

It's like this deep intense feeling in the pit of my chest.

I feel sick to my stomach.

I don't want to do anything.

I don't want to see anything.

I don't physically hurt.

I just know that there is something inside of me that just hurts.

Part of me wants to be angry at him.

But I know that this is kind of my fault too.

I just. I don't want to do this. I don't want to pretend that everything is okay.

That I am okay.

It hurts too much. I don't like it. I can't bear it.

I look at him and my whole perspective has changed.

His face isn't warm, inviting, attractive anymore.

It has a cold, hard, persistent shadow.

I have to believe that he is not the same as he was a week ago.

I have to believe that one day I'll be able to look back on everything we did together and be happy, but right now. Right now all I want to do is cry. I want to curl up and cry until nothing comes out of my eyes. I do not want to be strong. I do not want to do or be anything. I just want to talk to him. We don't even have to be friends. I just want to know that this is not the end. The fact that this is the end is burning in my chest. Right about where the heart is. I'm so emotionally hurt, I physically feel it. I look like crap and I feel like crap. Know that the smile on my face is probably fake. At least I have the strength to fake it. At least I have the strength to pretend. Because if I couldn't pretend and I had to walk around this campus with all of this written on my face, I can't even imagine what I would do. I just want to sleep. Sleep it all away. I don't even care if I sound like a drama queen about this. This is what I feel. Get used to it. Get over it. I should take my own advice.

Is the End in Sight?

I just don't know what to do with myself right now. Part of me wants to curl up on my bed and just cry and cry and cry. The other, stronger part of me says to land on my feet and pretend that nothing is wrong. But is that really the stronger part? Is ignoring the pain I feel being STRONG? Or is that just being a coward? Shouldn't I just bear it? Wouldn't that be the stronger thing to do? And if I am supposed to bear it than how? How do you bear the pain of a break up, when we weren't even in a relationship? Knowing that had I just left things ALONE. Something could've happened, but I couldn't just leave things alone and now. . .there's a message sitting in my inbox that I just keep staring at. I'm kind of on a cycle. Sit and stare at the message, tearing apart each and every word. Each and every line falling under my scrutiny. Then I realize what I'm doing and I put the computer down and I curl up in a ball and I cry. A little bit less each time, but I cry. Again, I realize what I'm doing and jump up ready to face anything, even him. And for those few hours, I am on cloud nine. Nothing can stop me. Oliver who? I pretend I'm fine. I pretend that nothing is wrong and that the awkward silence and concerned looks I get when I say his name don't exist. Is that okay though? I mean isn't ignoring everything, pushing it down and pretending it doesn't exist, saying "I am okay" so many times that, in a sense, it was true. . .isn't that what got me in trouble in the first place? Isn't that what has me sitting in a counselors office every week spilling my guts and getting feedback about them? So what do I do? What do I do? I'm so much at a loss. Someone help me.

"Oliver"

everything is tainted.

Syv

So I recently went on a poetry writing spree. They all focused around one person in particular and they basically give the array of emotions that I went through. I've listed the titles with the dates:

"Whore" Wednesday, April 6, 2011

"Dreaming Sleepless and Alone" Thursday, April 7, 2011

"I Am More" Friday, April 8, 2011 (2AM)

"Suicide Regrets Can't Bring Me Down" Friday, April 8, 2011 (2PM)

Let me know what you think!

Suicide Regrets Can't Bring Me Down

Words

Cloud my mind

But silence pours out

On this page

Emotions

Turn the contents of my stomach

Forming in the back of my throat

I want everything to go right

But everything is wrong.

Head in the oven

Head in the oven

I’ve got my own methods

I’m writing you letters

I’m writing down words

That somehow will tell you

Everything

That I haven’t already said

Out loud, spat at your face

I wish those words would

Crawl back into my mouth

But I don’t regret them.

Presentation

That’s what I regret

I don’t know why I write to you

You’re a critic

Journal poetry

Don’t let it rhyme

All this is

Writing thoughts

Hitting enter

New line

New line

Emotion in every word

What I feel

It’s alright.

I’ll be okay

Don’t worry about me

I’m big girl, sir