Oh People

My views are that Amazon is just selling books. They don't have to agree with the types of books they are selling. I was at Barnes and Noble and I saw a book that listed all the different sex positions you can do with a snuggie. Did I get mad at Barnes and Noble for selling this? No. I understand that yes, they are to a degree different topics but you'll find that there are, unfortunately, people that would enjoy the snuggie book. And there are, unfortunately, people that would enjoy the Pedophile book. Amazon works a lot like Ebay and Etsy. You buy stuff from other people. So if someone decides to sell that book then so be it. And if you want to get mad at someone. . .get mad at the publisher for publishing the book in the first place. And then don't be upset when the pedophile's get mad at you for taking down a book for them and get mad and take that snuggie book off because they think having sex using snuggies is bad. And you have to understand. In no way to I agree with the book or anything. I'm just saying. . .a book is a book. And if one group of people are going to get mad about something then don't be surprised when the group that supports that something gets mad at the other group. . .I don't know if that made sense at all or not but. . . .

In Response to this article my friend Leah posted

Funerals and the Dead People That Aren't There Compared to the Live People That They Were and The One's At Their Funeral. Oh and A Tribute to Grandma.

I'd like to talk about funerals. And death. Is that okay? I mean I've been pretty surrounded by it this week. I had an Aunt die on Thursday and my Grandma die 26 hours later. Aunt Char's funeral was on Monday and Grandma's was on Wednesday. It's really interesting to me. All the different traditions and regulations surrounding death. Who's idea was it that we see the body? I mean really! Because the last thing I really want to see of my dead Aunt is her cold pasty face smiling at me. Or to go over and talk to it!? What kind of sick joke is that? I just don't understand that. Or my grandma. . .they got rid of her wrinkles! And she didn't have her glasses on. . .I walked over and was like. . ."Hi, Grandma." looked down and said "You are not my grandma." And I walked away. It me how stupid it really is when my brother insisted he go to the funeral. He was so upset he didn't get to see his Grandma one last time. I had to explain to him that the body at the funeral wasn't his Grandma. Yes, it was her body. But that was it. The person he loved was gone. I took him out to the hallway where mom has pictures of the family. I showed him a couple of the pictures of Grandma smiling and laughing. I showed him those pictures and told him that whenever he thought of Grandma he needed to think of those pictures. I told him that Grandma was gone. And he was never going to see her again. That the grandma at the funeral wasn't our grandma. Grandma Laycock was NOT there. She was in heaven where she belonged.

I also noticed something at the funeral. I think my Grandpa actually loved my Grandma.

That sounds weird doesn't it.

Well you see Grandpa was my Grandma's second husband. And the past few years he hadn't treated her very well. He'd lied to everyone and he hadn't been very faithful. It's kind of sad really. Well as we buried my grandma. (I mean literally buried her. Everyone that wanted to threw in a shovelful of dirt.) I watched as he literally shook with emotion. It was then that I realized that my Grandpa LOVED my Grandma. He loved her. No matter what he had done to her. Or to our family. He loved her. And burrying her. Hurt. I can respect that.

P.S. Grandma. I love you. We all do. And we are going to miss you like crazy. Just not when you sang this song.

Click on the sentence ^above^ to hear the song.

Oh Well I Knew That Was Gonna Happen

Hahahaha so you remember this: http://theintenselonging.blogspot.com/2010/10/hey-random-letter-to-matt-thiessenand.html

Well he opened the message.

Is it creepy if I know that?

Hahaha myspace tells me that he's at least opened it.

I can't say he read it.

He certainly didn't respond to it.

But he opened it.

:)

I feel exhilarated.

Hehehehehe I feel like sending him another one. . . .hmmm, we'll wait.

Hey Random Letter to Matt Thiessen....and Uncle Johnny by The Killers playing on my iTunes....

So it’s 1:30 am at Indiana Wesleyan university and I’m bored. I’ve been working on my English Comp homework for the better part of 12 hours and I’m sick of it. I don’t want to do it anymore. I’m sitting here listening to The Dead Weather. Great band. I was thinking about stuff and I decided that in an epic effort to procrastinate—I’m going to send Matt Thiessen a message. Ridiculous if I do say so myself. And I do. Now I know I’m always stressing how I don’t like to treat musicians different then regular people….so the question is would I message someone random that I’d never met? The answer is YES. Because I’ve done it before! Did it turn out well? Not really…the person ignored the message and sends me weird looks sometimes but the point is that I’ve done it. Now I also know that the chances of Matt Thiessen even opening the message are slim to none and well, slim likes to leave without notice, but you know what….i’m bored…I don’t care! So here it is: Hey Matt Thiessen! If you’ve gotten this far well, you must be bored. You probably get like a thousand messages a day….okay maybe not but still. I saw you at Ichthus! I was in the front. Don’t worry you didn’t see me. I left half way through to go hang out with Aaron Gillespie. Sorry I think he’s cooler than you…and I was suffocating in the crowd. Well before Ichthus I had gotten Forget and Not Slow Down from a friend….hadn’t really listened to it at all….after Ichthus I started listening to just the songs Forget and Not Slow Down and I Don’t Need A Soul. So one night I was again, epically bored (like I am now). So I decided to do some MAJOR cyber-stalking on the band that was playing on my newly acquired zune right that second and it happened to be relient k. So I picked Matt Thiessen. And typed your name into google. Hahaha there is a Matt Thiessen on facebook that I have like 2 mutual friends in common with…..strange. The Matt Thiessen of relient k (you) has a blog. And I read it all in one night. I also stumbled upon the little I don’t know what you call it—break up between you and Shannon. Sorry about that. So it was as I was reading through like the radio stations press release or something weird like that that I just got fed up. I stopped. I went to bed. I laid there listening to the whole album when I heard a song that like literally hit me right in the gut….If You Believe Me. It made me cry. And then I listened to every other song on there. And they’re amazing. There’s so much feeling in them. It’s like I could feel the pain and confusion that you were feeling. Assuming that’s what you were feeling because that’s what I felt. I’m not really sure what to say after this. Because on one hand I want to say that I believe you. But I feel like I can’t say that because I don’t know you at all. And on the other hand I feel like I could probably believe Shannon based on a lot of what I’ve heard. But on the other hand that’s gossip and its stupid and mean and on the other hand I feel like you probably don’t really care what I think about and would prefer that I not talk about and holy crap I just realized I have four hands…hmmm I feel like that might be useful…..What the heck I just wrote the equivalent of 2 journals. Dang it. This is proof that this homework should not have taken all day….of course when you throw in How To Train Your Dragon, an epic game of Jenga with the tower size doubled, The Sound of Music, random wal-mart trip and Igor it’s no wonder. Okay I think I’m done. I’ve so got to get working on this homework….holy crap why the heck do I have Love Lockdown by Kanye? Gross. Well, Matt Thiessen I hope that if you read this it brought you enjoyment. Smile it makes people think you’re okay—and the more you try to make people think your okay, the more okay you get. Not that your not okay….just saying that’s what I live by……have fun being a rock-star. I like your music.

P.S. You should know….The Anatomy of the Tongue and Cheek was the first CD I ever burned. I was like 13 I felt like a rebel. Then I felt bad and went out and bought it.

and on a completely different note:

I love that the first words of this song are:

When everybody else refrained

My uncle johnny did cocaine

and on another random note.

Because I sent this message via MYSPACE---you remember that right?

Well I can check and see if he ever OPENS the message. It'll tell me so :) I feel smart and satisfied.

Inhale.

Inhale-Breathe In-Take in the fresh air.

You know what that is?

Amazing Friends

Friends who stay up till 3AM with you just telling each other random jokes and talking.

Friends who stay up till 3Am with you telling you how amazing you are.

Friends who let you just show up and hang out.

Friends who will walk with you around the entire campus while you pour your heart out to them.

Friends who don't mind living with you.

Friends who stick by you for 11 years.

Friends who take you to Wal-Mart to buy your favorite movie.

And the list could just go on and on and on and on.....

I'm not even including the people that I only know by name and say hi to on a regular basis!

Do you see the common variable in this though?

It's friends.

I've underestimated how much they mean to me.

I mean seriously I would be NOTHING.

ABSOLUTELY

NOTHING

WITHOUT

MY

FRIENDS.

So instead of thanking me Nathan Wiley....I should be thanking YOU.

So thank you, above mentioned people who could possibly be named Isaac, Nathan, Tiffany, Liz, Stephanie, Ari, and Caleb and you know what.......if you've EVER said Hi to me......You can put your name in here!

So Thanks Friends! I LOVE YOU ALL!

I am so blessed.

Friends.

And Then She Told Me To Call Her.

But she doesn't actually like talking on the phone. She just said she had HUGE news and I needed to call her. Well I'm not gonna lie....my mind wandered a little. I thought of all the possible things that could happen. My first thought was the right thought.And I'm not exactly sure how to feel about it. Because on one hand I'm really happy for her. But on the other hand....well I just don't like him. But I know that he loves her and I know that she loves him so essentially there shouldn't be a problem. And usually there wouldn't be. But I'm afraid it's too early and there doing it in all the wrong order. And I just don't know how to deal with it. Actually I know how to deal it. I have to be happy for them because what I think and what I feel about their relationship does not matter. Simple as that. That's a hard thing to uh come to terms with. And it's not that she doesn't care about what i think. It's just that she cares more about her relationship which is good. It means she means it. But I just can't help but feel a little left out. It it hurts just a little bit.

I'm SSSSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOO CONFUSED!!!!

Alright well blogger is officially being STUPID! It refuses to let me log in on Google Chrome or Internet Explorer. No. I had to freaking open SAFARI. Which for the record, I only have because of iTunes. Can you say What The Crap!?

Inspiration for a Dormant Artist.

Cuz that's what I am. Well sort of. I'm talented. At least some seem to think so. But I'm too afraid. Afraid that people will judge me. Afraid that I'm actually not all that talented. Afraid that I'm going to fail miserably. I hate that I'm so confident on the outside and so scared on the inside. Why is it so hard to admit that I write songs. Why do I always end up throwing away things I make or write? Why is it so hard to admit that I'm good at something? Or when I do admit I never take full credit. I alway pass it off as easier than it was. Am I really afraid of recognition? Is that it? I'm even afraid to send an anonymous postcard. I was telling my new found friend via text about this and his response threw me. It also kind of made me mad. All he said was 'Silly silly' and I was like what?! Dude you barely know me! We've only been texting for like two days so you have no right to tell me that these things that I'm feeling about something I've only told you are silly. Who are you to judge me like that and tell me that what I feel deep down inside is silly? Thats kind of when it hit me. Wait a sec. He's not judging me. Not really. He's actually just telling me the truth. There's a song by Big Time Rush (yeah go ahead judge me on that musical crap too) it's called Famous. And it says Just one thing you can't forget takes more than just wanting it. Aim high never rest put your passion to the test. Give your all never less famous means that you're the best. So it kind of hit me like this one time when i was little and i tried to lift a heavy board over my head and i slipped on the snow and the board fell right on top of me and the air inside of me just left. I've got make an effort. I've got to put all these Silly silly fears behind me and just do it. Like nike. Just do it. Don't look back. And don't ever let those silly fears stop me again. So I guess thanks goes out to Justin Herb. Thanks for criticizing me without knowing it. You've kind of inspired me to start being the confident person anyone who's met me thinks I am. And I swear if you ever sing that song to me again when you don't fit the profile I'm going to murder you.

thanks bye.

My New Obsession

I've got a fever.

Yeah you know what kind of fever.

It's called Bieber Fever.

I swear the only reason I have this fever is because the lyrics to one of his songs made me cry. And I'm a big lyric person. Like a huge lyric person. It's crazy really. And honestly I can't even stand some of his songs or even some of his other lyrics. Just sayin.

I'll get over it soon. Don't judge me to harshly.....please.

Blah Number Two: Home

'a;foiseh;'fLKFH;ASDFO;QUWEHRJKHKLJah;

My thoughts on home ^.

What does home mean to you? I mean really.

What does house mean to you? I mean really.

You know there's a difference right.

House holds my family
Home holds my friends
House holds injustice
Home holds happiness
House holds unfairness
Home holds freedom

My house is no longer my home. But then again, I don't remember the last time it was. I had to grow up when I was 11. I started doing more housework than the other kids. I started babysitting. I just felt like I was doing more. For less. Heck, the pastor of my church calls me Matilda and Cinderella. Do you know what those characters have in common? Look it up.

I just don't understand it sometimes. I don't know how to explain it.

Nevermind how about this:

I DON'T LIKE BEING AT MY HOUSE.

I WANT TO BE HOME

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE HOME IS

HOME IS NOT MY HOUSE. IT'S TOO CONFINING. IT'S TOO UNFAIR (yes unFAIR). IT'S TOO DEMANDING. IT'S TOO PREDICTABLE.

HOME IS NOT SCHOOL. IT'S TOO TEMPORARY. IT'S TOO JUDGEMENTAL. IT'S TOO DEMANDING. IT'S TOO PREDICATABLE. SOMETIMES, IT'S TOO MUCH LIKE HOUSE.

HOME IS NOT AT A FRIENDS HOUSE. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THAT.

HOME IS NOT CHURCH. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CHURCH.

HOME IS BOOKS. MUSIC. FRIENDS. LOVE.
AND NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS AT ALL.
BOOKS WILL END.
MUSIC CAN'T STAY THE SAME
FRIENDS ARE TOO JUDGEMENTAL
LOVE IN THIS WORLD IS CONDITIONAL--AT BEST.









I'M EMOTIONALLY HOMELESS.





WILL WORK FOR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.



SOMETIMES I FEEL LOST
ALL THE TIME.

Blah Number One: Weddings

So as I was sitting at home after doing absolutely nothing for about two weeks I realized that today was Kate Behrenwald's Wedding. I don't usually forget things like this, but I didn't even know Kate was engaged until it popped up on my facebook feed that she had found THE dress. Didn't even know she was dating anybody. ANYWAY. I looked at the clock and it was around 2:34. I got to thinking how Kate and Mark must feel. Are they nervous? Are they excited? Are they just a shell of mixed up emotions that they can't let out? What's going through their heads right now? And at the wedding. Is it bad to think that I thought the bride's sister was prettier? I mean yeah Kate had the dress. Kate had the vows. But the only thing special I noticed about Kate was the dress. It was an awesome dress don't get me wrong. And Kate was 112% beautiful in it. But there was just something about her sister that awed me. Maybe it's the fact that Kate's younger than she is. Maybe it was how composed she was and how pretty she looked knowing that this was her baby sister's special day. That her sister was entering into a commitment that she hadn't. Knowing that, on one hand, she couldn't really help her sister all that much. And I know that this is just me talking and I could be wrong about everything but I know that if my younger sister got married before me I'd be a wreck. Especially if I had to be in the wedding. I know it's all about God's timing but sometimes Human Nature gets the best of us. And what's the deal with weddings anyway. Mark and Kate's wedding was less than 15 minutes long. It took longer to get a seat than it took for the ceremony! Why all the planning? I know this is a special day but it just doesn't make sense to me? And why all the pressure. I'm 17 years old and I was getting asked again and again when they'd be attending my wedding and what I had planned. OF course maybe that's how Kate's sister feels. Why the pressure. What does it matter if my baby sister gets married first? On one hand I understand. On the other hand I don't at all. This brings to mind a quote I like:

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Interpret that please!

Goodbye?

Well, I've packed everything except a few belongings. I have moved everything out into the hallway except Toothless [my backpack :)] and my computer. I was walking around campus today with Faith and every time I saw someone I knew I'd give them a hug a tell the "good bye" the thing is, I've been telling them good bye thinking that I'll actually be seeing them again. I've shed no tears. Chances of me seeing some of these people again aren't very high. But it hasn't sunk in yet. I feel like it's just another weekend home. Maybe something like Spring Break or Winter Break. I won't see this place for 4 months.

4 months.

You Really Can't Tell Can You?

That I can't stand those looks you give each other when I say something. I know I'm not blameless, but can't you do the whole heaping burning coals on my head or something? Seriously, almost everything I do is unacceptable to you. Am I your friend because you like to make fun of me? Is that it? Are you really that mean? I don't believe that. So what is it? It can't be that you were picked on. . .either one of you so why all the looks like I'm below you? Just because I am doesn't mean you have to act like it! Sometimes I'd just like us to be friends. Sometimes I don't want to be your problem and sometimes I just don't want to hang out with you because of the way you make me feel. So get a clue and STOP IT.

There Have Been Some Changes Around Here. . .

1. 2.

3.

4.

5. 6.

7. 8.

9. 10.

As you can see I've changed my blog around a little. From the name to the picture to the colors. To be honest, yes I had a good reason. My blog before was just a blog and I'm not saying that it's not but I feel that this time it's a little bit more. A little bit more of me.

I went from Black to Gray because I just didn't want to be that dark anymore.
I changed the title and added a description. The Intense Longing is what I'm all about the intense longing to find and hold onto God for dear life. Because He is Life.

The picture went from a sweet edited pic of my eyes to the candle that slowly burns out. I'm going to be searching for answers around the clock.

Don't get me wrong. Yeah I might be focusing on getting answers, but I've realized that some questions don't have answers and I can live with that, but I know that there are answers to some questions. Could I tell you what I'm looking for? I don't know something along the lines of this:

1. A sense of self.

2. A sense of direction.

3. Fun/Friends

4. Love.

5. Peace.

6. Change.

7. Freedom.

8. Humility.

9. Patience.

10. Self-Esteem

You want to know something interesting about all these? Most would say I already have them, and for the most part I do. But let me explain some.

1. A sense of self.

I've been in counseling for about a month and I've learned a lot. While I was talking to Jez the other day I asked him to tell me about himself and he said he never knew what to say to that because he wasn't really sure who he was. That sounds odd doesn't it? But it made perfect sense to me. I don't know who am. I really don't. Yeah I know the basics. I know what I like, I know what I don't like (for the most part). But when it comes down to feelings. I'm lost. When it comes down to where do I fit in. I'm lost. Yeah it might seem like I've got it all going for me but I don't. I don't at all. And I realize that 'finding myself' isn't necessarily important, I feel that once I do I can develop more off of that. Once I find myself I can use myself to further God's kingdom. I also realize that if I'm supposed to find myself, well it's not going to happen without God in fact it won't even come close to happening.

2.A sense of direction.

I'm here at IWU studying to be an Elementary Special Education Teacher. Look at them caps...means it's a real title! But what the heck am I gonna do with that? And furthermore, the most important question is: Is this what God wants me to do? Is this where God wants me. Unfortunately the only way I can find the answer to this is by letting God work. This is God's number.

3. Fun/Friends

I want to have fun with my friends without having to worry about what they think of me. Sometimes I just can't stand the looks that they give me or worse--the looks they exchange with each other. Sometimes I just want to have fun without them getting after me about what I say, what I do, how I look. I feel like I'm under constant criticism with some friends. That's not what friends do. There are things that I just don't say around them because I don't want to have to take the time to defend myself. If I don't want to do this or go there because of this reason can't they just leave it be? Why do they have to question everything I do? Why can't they accept me for the person that I am right here and right now instead of always trying to make me a better person in their eyes?

4. Love

Well of course. Yes, I want someone. Don't take that the wrong way, I'm being serious. I've always been That Girl. You guys out there know exactly who I'm talking about. I'll be your best friend. I'll be that person that you hang out with when you don't wanna hang out with the guys anymore and you just want someone to chill with. You'll talk to me, you'll hang out with me, we'll share a couple inside jokes. I'm almost, but not quite, one of the guys. You come to me for advice about girls and I give you my opinion and you pretend to ignore but sooner or later you'll do it. But your kind of blind. Because I think your cute/hot/adorable/fill-in-the-blank. I like you. But you can't ever know that. Because every time you find that out, I quit being your friend. And I become someone you try to avoid, because as Great of a friend as That Girl is. That Girl is just a friend. She is never anything more. Ever. I'm sick of being That Girl. But I know I'm going to remain That Girl until the day I can tell God that He is the only one I need. I need to come to the realization that I don't really NEED someone. I can live without. But, I'm not there yet.

5. Peace

I want peace. I just don't want to worry anymore. I want to have the confidence that everything is okay. . .even when it might not be. I want to have the kind of peace that Jesus gives. The kind that says "Yeah, you might die. Yeah, you might not. But I have my arms around you and you will be okay. NO. MATTER. WHAT." And it's not just death either. It's everything.

6. Change

In myself. In those around me. In everything.

7. Freedom.

I want freedom from this world and it's view of me. I'm sick of the looks it gives me. I want to be free. Free from the constraints of me sin.

8. Humility.

The majority of the time I am wrong. I like to pretend I'm not. I have to quit pretending and just live it. So what if I'm wrong. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone fails. They've got to or they'll never learn anything.

9. Patience

Thing is, I want all these things done RIGHT NOW. But that's not the way things work. I've got to learn that things take time. Especially in my field of study. I need patience in everything.

10. Self-Esteem

This is a big one. I've never felt beautiful. Yeah I've looked beautiful, but usually I was wearing make up and I felt fake. See, there is a huge difference in the words LOOK/AM/ARE and the word FEEL. Yes, according to some people I AM beautiful. But not to me, I've never FELT beautiful. I know that God created us in His image and God is beautiful, but sometimes I look in the mirror and I just don't see it. I don't see what everyone else sees. I want to. I want to so bad, but I can't. God please help me I can't see it. Nothing anyone says to me is a horrible as what I say to myself. That has to stop. I have to quit putting myself down. But with people coming at me from all sides telling me that this about me needs to change and that needs to change how can I? I'm not blaming them I'm just saying that it's not just me.

I like to relate everything to pictures and songs I'll explain or try to:

1. The Great Pretender by The Platters

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP8xff2X46A

Honestly it's what I've been doing for quite a while.

You'll see the picture at the end, but sometimes it's what I come down to. Who do I want to be today? Which head do I put on?

2. This is Home by Switchfoot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0ykm1v9xbU

I wanna know were exactly home is.

There's a fork in the road. I want to know where the road goes.

3. You've Got a Friend in Me from Toy Story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHFy3YWpRx8

I want that friend that is there for me. I want those friends that I can have honest-to-goodness-FUN with.

This picture was taken last semester when Ana and I were studying. Back when we had fun all the time.

4. Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Bublé

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

Caleb Collins got me listening to Michael Bublé and this was one of the first songs I listened to. Couldn't help it, it's all true. Someday I'll have someone. I just haven't met them yet.

This picture is from How to Train Your Dragon. I love it.

5. Say (All I Need) by One Republic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRSZpV6WIuU

All I need is the air I breathe and a place to lay my head. I want to feel that way some day.

The picture says it plainly

6. Changing World by Kutless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ff5rwvHNgA

Everything is changing. And I want to change. I need to change. The song doesn't really say that but it talks about how quickly things can change and who we need to give control.

The picture is sad. It's a problem in this world. One of the many that need to change.

7. Ready to Run by Attaboy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gj4EnchhlCg

I want to be so free that I can just run. Run when needed. Run where needed.

Ari and I went on a photoshoot and we went to the park and I got to play with some kids there. I was sick of posing to be honest and it was a nice change

8. Less is More by Relient K

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVZ6rLZ3PyE

Calling out to God 100% humbled. Nothing is better than that.

And for my embarrassment this picture was one of my senior pics. I'd fallen in the mud and wet my pants.

9. If It Means A Lot To You by A Day to Remember

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzq1Kmu7Xmg

I don't really know if this song actually has anything to do with patience. But I felt like I should use it.

Again with the photoshoot. We had only take a few pictures and I was already getting tired. But the thing is, I asked Ari to do this, I had no right to be impatient with her.

10. I Am Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2vqXrEYmhI

Something to keep in mind.

The picture is one that I think I look good in. But I know there are others.

And The End Draws Nearer?

LKFAHL;HOIUWEH;FOHQF;LJKADS;FJH'OEWIUHG'OQHG'LJADHF/LKJO'IASHDFOIHWEFJHQALJKF/LKFJS/DLKFJ'ISWHG;JQEWHF.KJNHAF/'LKDAF'ALKFHAKLJEH;QHAG'OADH/FLKJSDO'IF'WORH/LKJF'AKJ'ODFH'IWHETLQA/FKJ'SDIFH'

My walls are empty. Okay ALMOST empty. But my door is definitely empty. My dresser is empty. My desk is empty.

My head feels empty.

If only my throat was empty of the phlegm that keeps irritating it.

My Exam schedule is as follows:

Monday:

10:00-11:50: New Testament

2:00-3:50: American Education

Tuesday:

6:15-9:15: Philosophy

Wednesday:

8:00-9:50: Math for Elementary Teachers

10:00-11:50: World Civilization

You know what that means right?

My freshman year is about over.

Over

Over

Over

over

this is so depressing. . .I'm going to bed

Notes on Romans 4

What does it take? It takes

March 11, 2010 2:30AM

"The solution is life on God's Terms" it's so plain and simple and yet so hard to actually do. I want so badly to live life on God's terms. I want to cry and swear I'll fix it. But I know that the want only goes so far I do and at the same time don't want to make the effort. I'm fighting inwardly--constantly fighting. And at the same time I don't want to make the effort. I'm fighting inwardly--constantly fighting. And at the same time I want to know what I'm fighting for

I'm desperately fighting

Fighting so hard

An inward battle against myself

8:3-4. . .And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the spirit is doing in us.

There is nothing I can do except embrace the Spirit

I want to. . . .but I don't know how I mean what does it take?

8:12-14--God's spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

Chapter 8 is. . . . . . . .

9:14-18. . . . .Compassion doesn't originate in our bleeding hearts or moral sweat, but in God's mercy

Notes on Romans 3

March 9, 2010 1:50 AM

7:8-12. . .The law code started out as an excellent piece of work. What happened, though, was that sin found a way to pervert the command with Temptation. . .

I feel like this is what has happened to our government now. . .

OH WOW. . . . .7:14-25. . .AMAZING. Because I just wrote a letter to God that addressed this very thing.

Notes on Romans 2

March 1, 2010 11:04 PM

Wow, today was amazing! Except that I found out I was failing. Yup failing. Oh joy. Reading the Bible on my knees with my back turned toward darkness. Dear God, please help me overcome my fears.

3:25-26--God decided on this course of action in full view of the public-to set the world in the clear with himself through sacrifice of Jesus, finally taking care of the sins he had so patiently endured.

I just felt this verse call so I wrote it down. I guess the most interesting part of it is the whole--God decided on this in full view of the public--God wasn't ashamed -and why should he be-technically he should be ashamed to call me his own. . .heck I would be

3:27-28--. . .Our lives get in step with God and all others by letting him set the pace, not by proudly or anxiously trying to run the parade.

Isn't it just like us to decide when the best time is? So often I've thought about how I should have a boyfriend now but that's on MY time. Look at all the different times--Luigi's a sophomore and he's still single, Lindy is a senior and she's still single. Leah and Daric started going out two years ago I think. . .Darren and Courtney got married in August they've been together 4 years. Aaron and Stephanie just got together. The point I'm trying to make is that they are all going on God's time and when your time and God's time match up then your happy.

3:31 But by shifting our focus from what we do to what God does, don't we cancel out all our careful keeping of the rules and ways God commanded? Not at all. What happens in fact, is that by putting that entire way of life in it's proper place, we confirm it.

I don't know if you saw that or not but uuummm. . .by putting that entire way of life in its proper place, We confirm it. Yeah by living a Godly life and turning back from our old ways we confirm everything that God is that Christians are supposed to be. I can be the best of myself in God.

NOTE: Be like Abraham: dare to trust God to do what only God could do: raise the dead to life, with a word make something out of nothing. When everything was hopeless, Abraham believed anyway, deciding to live not on the basis of what he saw HE COULDN'T do. but on what God said he WOULD do. Romans 4:17-18ish. . .

4:19-25 . . .

But Abraham did doubt! thats where Hagar fits in!

5:3-5--. . .We continue to shout his praise even when we're hemmed in with troubles, because we know how troubles can develop passionate patience in us, and how that patience in turn forges the tempered steel of virtue, keeping us alert for whatever God will do next. In alert expectancy such as this, we're never left feeling short changed. Quite the contrary--we can't round up enough containers to hold everything God generously pours into our lives through the Holy Spirit.

I just felt the need to write this passage down.

5:20--When it's sin vs. grace. Grace wins hands down.

6:23--Work hard for sin your whole life and your pension is death. But God's gift is REAL LIFE, eternal life, delivered by Jesus, our Master.

And with that I end. Romans Chapter 7. #58 disc 2.

Notes on Romans

March 1, 2010 1:12 AM
I've got so much going on Luigi told me to read Romans. To take notes. So here I got. I'm starting over, reading in the message so it may come in passages.

1:1 Christians are God's friends. --interesting cuz I've always pictured him as more of a boss than a friend.
1:2-7 You are who you are through this gift and call of Jesus Christ.--if I'm a bad person----scratch that there is a good person in each of us we are innerently bad though in Christ we are Good.

I'm looking at the headings of different passages and the next one reads "Ignoring God Leads to a Downward Spiral" I wanna say AMEN to that but wouldn't that be admitting that I've ignored God? No one WANTS to admit that blatantly. . .but if its true than shouldn't I acknowledge it? Fine, unfortunately I've ignored God. And it DOES in fact lead to a downward spiral. Now lets go up.

1:18-23 People knew God perfectly well, but when they didn't treat him like God, refusing to worship him, they trivialized themselves into silliness and confusion so that there was neither sense nor direction in their life;
Isn't that what we do today? We know God but we don't want to put him high enough in our lives for him to actually do something so our lives turn into something silly and confusing with no real direction to it.
They pretended to know it all, but were illiterate regarding life.
Okay hold up--I'm pretty sure I've done that! So many times I've just figured I'm smart I can figure this out myself. But that's my biggest problem--I really can't figure it out by myself! That's why I've got all these people behind me. That's why I'm constantly talking to Luigi and why I've started going to Aldersgate for counseling. Because I really can be illiterate about life.
1:26-27 And then they paid for it, oh, how they paid for it--emptied of God and love, godless and loveless wretches.
Can anyone say The World As We Know It? We are a nation that defiles ourselves and in this we have become godless and we are absent of His TRUE LOVE, We are godless therefore loveless.
1:28-32 . . . . .worse, they hand out prizes to those who do the worst things best.
No words--because again this is the world as we know it.
2:4 God is kind but not soft. In his kindness he takes us firmly by the hand and leads us into a radical life change.
talk about 180
2:12-13 Merely hearing God's Law is a WASTE OF YOUR TIME if you don't DO WHAT HE COMMANDS. DOING NOT HEARING IS WHAT MAKES A DIFFERENCE TO GOD.

Another heading: "Religion Can't Save You"
Hold up a sec. I though that's what salvation was for. Didn't Christ die on the cross to SAVE us from our sins? Or is there a difference between religion and salvation? Isn't all religion a form of salvation?
So upon further reading it's like religion as your mask you hae to REALLY mean it, really believe it. And with that I sleep though I don't want to. Okay 15 more minutes

2:29- And recognition comes from God, not legalistic critics.
It doesn't necessarily matter what others think of you. On one hand, yes you should live a Christ-like life. On the other hand it is God that is the rightful judge, not anyone else.
3:2-6 (gonna paraphrase this first part differently, its supposed to say Jews) So, what if, (in doing this) They (some of the Jews) abandon their post? God didn't abandon them. Do you think their faithlessness cancels out his faithfulness? Not on you life! Depend on it: God keeps his word even when the whole world is lying through its teeth.
Gives a whole new meaning to God never fails. I mean seriously--God keeps his word even when the whole world is lying through its teeth! God is the ONE constant in this world that will NEVER EVER CHANGE. When all else fails he never will.

So here I leave it. Romans 3:2-6 page 2035. Music an Appreciation Disc 2.

Untitled

I just feel like writing now. I don't know what and I don't know why. I just so desperately don't want to write it because writing it makes it a reality which is crap because written or not it's a reality. But its not like its bad I've just been here so many times before and it's NEVER worked. So I want it to be different. But it's not different. This time I'm gonna shut up about it. I can't do this again. But it's not like I'm even DOING ANYTHING. But I'm doing everything the same! I just. . . . .God, I need help. But is it wrong if I don't want the same "help" I've gotten before? Is it wrong if I want this one to

I just can't think like this anymore!

When The World Comes Down

Here's another pity there's another chance
Try to learn a lesson but you can't
If we can burn a city in futures and in past,
without a change our lives will never last.
Cause we're going fast.

You can sit beside me when the world comes down, if it doesn't
matter then just turn around.
We don't need our bags and we can just leave town.
You can sit beside me when the world comes down.

What can we do better, when will we know how?
A man says from a sidewalk to a crowd.
If we can change the weather, if you want it to yourself.
If you cannot guess we all need help, yeah, I NEED HELP.

(repeat chorus)

We say
We do
The Lies
The Truth
All I need is next to me.

Mmmmmmmmmmm yeahhhh we're going fast

You can sit beside me when the world comes down, if it doesn't
matter then just turn around.
You be the queen and I'll be your clown,
You can sit beside me when the world comes down.

you see that part up there? that's big and says 'I need help' It's true. I need it. i need a lot of it. and I guess I've just never really liked the thought about needing help. i never need help, i help people who need help. . .so why was it that as I'm sitting here listening to Mona Lisa (When The World Comes Down) by All-American Rejects on repeat. . .I've heard the song a million times and it was just tonight that I heard it. If you cannot guess we all need help, yeah, I need help. and I couldn't believe it. because it was at that moment that I really felt like i needed help. like there was nothing that zach, lacey, stephanie, faith, molly, or anyone but GOD could do. and that i really do need help because I've been keeping everything held up inside for so long. . . .which is hilarious really cuz everyone who knows me agrees that i'm an open book and i'll tell you everything there is to know about me. except the part about being human. you know the part that's willing to admit their wrong and they can't fix everything on their own? yeah i never need help. or if i do i never tell them the real reason. I need help. I'm trying to drill it in because it's coming from all sides...the cries and pleas screaming that i'm normal and don't need any help. well guess what. WE ALL NEED HELP. I NEED HELP and most people would argue that this isn't really a big deal, but it is. I need help. I need to go aldersgate. I'm going to get help, I'm going to aldersgate.

I Didn't Even Have A Mirror In My Room Back Home. . .

you know my friends are always telling me not to compare myself to other people. But then they sit there and complain about the way their legs looks. And how 150 dollars is WAY too much to spend on a pair of jeans but $90 is fine. i look in their closets and I look at them and I honestly can't help it. No i can't sit there for hours and search the internet for some cute jeans. No actually the most i'm willing to pay is $30 on a pair of jeans and that's stretching it. No, YOU aren't fat. I am obese compared to you. Which isn't even true but this friend is a healthy stick!!! Well, I'm not. Heck call me big-boned just don't call me smaller than her. And money's always an issue. My friend finds out she's got $300 in her bank account. I can't help but think about the message i sent my mom pleading her for 20 because I currently have $13 in my bank account. HEr deciding that she's going shopping and my other friend joining her. We're going to tea tomorrow and they want to dress up. I don't have anything nice to wear because I have to replace the zipper on my good pants and I wore my other good pants today! I'm wearing my old school skirt and I know the second they see it they are going to laugh. And I love them so I'll just pass it off as a joke because they don't understand. Their always talking about the car they are going to get over the summer and i'm just sitting there thinking about how i'm supposed to pay for a liscence let alone a car. Or when they complain when they have nothing to wear and I just think to my clothes and I realize that I brought EVERYTHING I OWN. And they all have tons of clothes back home. Yeah the pants my mom got me for christmas are too big on me. BUT THEY ARE ALL I HAVE! Everything else is either ripped in the butt or crotch or just won't fit me. Or maybe it's dirty. Either way I've got nothing compared to half their closets. One friend was talking about them having an intercom system in their house. HOW THE HELL AM I SUPPOSED TO NOT COMPARE MYSELF TO THAT??? And when that friend talks about how fat her legs are and how terribly she looks that day I just want to scream at her to SHUT UP. Because she doesn't know how bad it is. I'm so insecure I hate showers. I hate standing there naked and seeing all of my flaws. I'm so insecure that when I find something that looks good on me I do it over and over and over again. I'M SO INSECURE I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A MIRROR IN MY ROOM BACK HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And they all tell me I'm pretty and all that crap and yeah I can be. But when I try something different they immediately stamp it out. For instance I want to dye my hair but they won't let me until i start taking better care of my hair and then it'll be what they want. Or how about a lip ring? I think I look good. . .Or how about guys. One friend thinks that men are jerks and just doesn't like them, the other just celebrated her 6month and the other friend could have a boyfriend in a second flat. I know that God has someone out there for me it's just so hard to comprehend the fact that there will one day be someone in my life who will love me for me. for my crazy whims and ideas. for my messed up personality that clashes at all levels. for the fact that if i laugh to hard i pee my pants. for the fact that i hate looking in the mirror to see the woman staring back with hurt and defeat lying in her eyes just far enough away that her friends can't see it because they don't understand why it's there they don't understand what it's like to have things ripped our from underneath you even closer to home: disappearing from the dining room table, or God forbid yeah those jeans ARE to expensive. One day someone's gonna love me and I am waiting for that day like none other.

Oh. . .these are pics of me with a fake lipring:

Insignificance

I stood there. Surrounded by hundreds maybe thousands of people wearing some variation of black and white. I was too. But I was also wearing a bright red jacket. One you could spot from anywhere in that packed room. I probably knew about a quarter of the people there. There wasn't any dancing. Just hot bodies mingled together. I moved to the center of the crowd. I looked up at the balloons. I started turning slow circles. I could feel the weight of people pressing in on me. I could here the conversations start spilling into each other. No one noticed me. They started counting down at 3 minutes, I turned a slow circle. 2 minutes, I was staring into space. 1 minute 30 seconds, i could feel the empty spaces around me begin to fill with more people than that space allowed. 1 minute, there was clapping; there was cheering. They started counting down 10, 9, 8, I closed my eyes, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. The balloons fell. I stood there with my eyes closed feeling everyone around me scramble for a balloon. Then they started popping them. The sound echoed in my ears one after another. From around the room camera flashes began to go off, but all i could see where bright bursts behind my closed eyelids. The popping grew louder and the flashes brighter. It felt so much like fireworks. I just let everything go. And I stood there. Getting pushed and shoved I stood there. Thinking about how amazing this feeling was. The feeling of insignificance. No cared about me in that instance. I was just a weird girl in a red jacket who wouldn't move. But to me I was so much more. I was teleported to better times. Times unknown. They say ignorance is bliss. . .I'd have to agree that in this instance, no one caring about me, no one telling me to move no one noticing me. That was bliss. Knowing that for even a few seconds I could be alone in a sea of lost faces. Knowing that even though I wasn't alone I could feel it. And I know that seems weird but it felt good to be alone for those few seconds. Don't get me wrong, I love my friends and I would be nothing without them, but sometimes I just want to be able to live without social contact or human interaction. It's so overrated. And yet I'm one of the friendliest people you'll ever meet here. I don't really know why that is I just know that in that 30 or so seconds after midnight I felt at peace for the first time in a long time. Not many would believe me when I say i didn't hear anything except the pops of the balloons. The flashes of light that accompanied them were all that was in my head. And it felt good.

so i'm sitting here with tears streaming down my face as i realize i really have no idea what I'm gonna do. I'm a double major at Indiana Wesleyan. . .elementary education and special education. For the past couple of months I've been unsure if I've been and eled/speced major because I want to be or because God wants me to be. I'm not sure if God wants me where I am right now. I know he wants me at IWU. He made that happen. But i'm just not sure about my major. At lovemercy I asked Trey Pearson of Everyday Sunday if he'd ever felt like he was in the band because he wanted to be and not because God wanted him to be. And how he'd decided. Trey's answer was something along the lines of 'examine your opportunities. If you are in the field that God wants you to be he will open doors for you. He'll help you. If you think he might be calling you somewhere else look and see--is God opening doors in that field of study? If not that's not where you are supposed to be.' This made perfect sense to me. . .So I'm going through classes today--Math for Elementary Teachers and America Education today. Math sucked but that's normal. American Education on the other hand was enlightening. Dr. Elsberry talked about how even before you were born God had your career in mind. Every talent and ability you have is dedicated to being what God wants you to be. I just felt like that was for me. I love kids. I love to work with kids. I've always loved helping in school. I'm creative. I'm slightly musical. All these things point toward working with kids and working in a school. HMMMMM kinda made me think like I'm supposed to be a teacher. . . . .so i got excited. I was just talking to a friend about this and she goes. . .'not to burst your bubble or anything but I don't think that's true. I mean wasd david equipped to fight Goliath?' she said that as if it was a stupid question. I always thought that YES. He was equipped according to God's requirements. But according to my friend that's not right. I guess the fact that David was good with a sling had nothing to do with it. It was all God. I'd just like to know who gave David that talent? Who gave him the strenth. Everything in David's life was set up for not just defeating Goliath but for everything else. Tell me how David would have had that strength if he wasn't a shepherd forced to protect his flock from a lion and a bear. Yeah i know I wasn't born creative. I wasn't born with a patience and love for kids. But everything in my life has helped develop them. If i didn't have aunts who taught me how to sew and parents who welcomed creativity I wouldn't be half as creative as I am. If i didn't have teachers who were so willing to teach I wouldn't be so enthused about teaching. If i didn't have so many younger siblings I wouldn't have slowly developed my love for young kids. If i hadn't been adopted I wouldn't have so many siblings! Do you see what I'm getting at? She was quick to point out that she didn't mean to just completely burst my bubble but that I should know that what the prof really meant was that I should seek God. WHo the heck says I haven't been seeking God? Now I have no idea what to do. I love my friend but I think she's wrong. And I don't want to tell her that either.

well it's definite. . .I have pinkeye. Don't really know why you'd want to know that or why it matters but i do. I've got the worst luck ever. I mean the very first week of classes last semester i had the flu. And the first week of classes this semester, I have a sore throat, cough, runny nose, swollen ankle AND Pinkeye. Which by the way. . .is disgusting.

Really?

So here i sit. I'm at my desk at IWU. I've got a swollen ankle, a sore throat, a cough, a runny nose, and possible pinkeye. My friends don't want to hang out with me. I missed them so much and now they don't want to hang out with me. . . how wonderful. To top it off I'm feeling fat today. I mean i know i'm not by any means. . .yeah i'm larger than some my size but then i'm smaller than some my size as well. .. but seriously i just feel like crap.

Those Books. . .

I hate how in all the books the girl thinks she's in love with this one person and the end of the book she realizes she really and truly loves like her best guy friend and he loves her back--the end. But that's the thing. . .It doesn't really end there! And seriously how many times does a girl tell a guy she loves him--and he loves her back and tells her--before they even start dating? NEVER. And besides that how many teenages really know what love is? Just because your heart flutters and your palms get sweaty and you feel nervous doesn't mean your in love. In all the books the girl claims she's in love with someone and finds her heart fluttering when some other guys smiles at her. Next thing you know the girl and the guy who makes her heart flutter end up together. But the stories never talk about what happens to the boy-crazy chick who watched the guy she liked crush on three girls (one at a time) and never think about her till 4 years after they meet and he turns out to be just a really awesome guy friend. Or what about the girl who confesses to her crush that she likes him so he dumps his girlfriend and goes out with her. He claims to love her but a month and a half into the relationship he ends it for a really dumb reason--then he starts badmouthing her and majorly flirting with other girls. . . .Where is the Prince Charming for the girl crying on the bridge. . . .the girl crying because she can't eat because he's there. . . .the girl crying because he's hugging someone else like a day after the break up. . .the girl crying because her favorite song brings back bittersweet memories of his arms around her. Where is HER night in shining armor? Does she even have one? Where is the story of the girl who's heart gets broken and nobody fixes it? Where is the story where the main character doesn't get the guy she wants? Where are the stories that have actually gotten in touch with reality? Seriously let me know when you find them because honestly all those bogus romances are making her feel like something's wrong with her. . .it's fine for those few girls who actually live those strangely perfect worlds but for the rest of the world who don't always get happy endings would really like to read a story that could actually happen to them in real life--NOT in their dreams. . .because sometimes. . .they're dreams make them cry too. . .



i wrote this about a year and a half ago

Oh The Insanity

lkahfhw;ohr;q/jb/fajbsd/flkh'owieh'r/ljb/lknfSAnd/lfjba'eiwht'qw/rlnka/sm,basnmfbalkshdvojab.ejkhrf';iewohr[o'iawhf/lkndf/,msbnd'ihawehtg'qa/jng/ammsb/kjabsd;fihw'eoirhql/fb/alkdfn;laishfo;wiht/lqkjbt/lbna/lkfalsifj'wlaekht/jb/lakfh'asdhg/laksnf/kkwqnet'lqhwo;fiha;lfknha/sbg/lwqjht';qoihwt;khanfa
falkhf;oiewh;uht/jbwe/jf/alskdnf/lkahs'foiha/kgb/lwekthq
nhfhaljshf;oiqwhe';tuqbt/kjb/ajkfb/laknf'lakwg/lwjhetqih;wjk4eht/jkabg/aljsdgn/lkanf/lakwnf/whkejwbtq,/bg/lka/sdlkngagA
angl/ajbf'ikawbeglj/wb/tjkbqw;eg;kajbdfs,ba/sdjba;kgb/aldkgn/alksfn'oliwhrt/jbqwjkebtliahg'lkasd
fba/ljfb;qewthb/kjqabs/.fgbsa.gkj;akwejbt.akjbfjabs.fsnab.kjwegtk.jbva.kjdbg;oashdgf;awj/ebt.kjqb/lahsf;oig;kjvt
faslkfajb.tkjqwbkjtugb;akjdsbf/.ajbfk/.jabt/kjewbgtkjb/.aksjbfg;kajhtjkw.akht;kgabkgaf;kaghfaklhti
akjsfh;kwugt;kjwbv.kasjbf;kuasg;.kjbt.kjabs.djkfglikwebvtkjab.skjdfu;sfv.kajsbf.ajkegtkjb.wkjvt




. . .This is the World as We Know It

Stupid Cave Movies Part Deux

She breaks through. She breathes air. She lives and the 5 die. She climbs in a car and rushes away. Pulls to the side of the road. . .sobs. . . .almost gets run over by a semi. . . .throws up. . . . oh wait it was dream. dang it I really wanted her to walk into wal-mart all covered in blood like that. . .

Stupid Cave Movies

so as i sit here watching a movie the woman on the screen having just fallen into a pool of blood that goes over her head killing off a creature and letting out a very unladylike scream i wonder what is point of this all? I mean why do we sit around and watch these stupid cave movies where the f-word is thrown around by people with accents or where people get chased/killed/eaten/all of the above by weird once people things? Why do we watch movies where a pill can turn a baby into a demon child that eats everything from mice to cops and by cops and Imean people? What do we gain from them? I mean what do we gain from watching blood spill out the neck of some prideful cave explorer? why do we watch this crap??? we gain nothing from it. I mean the only reason i see to watch a scary movie it's all self-gain. Personally, for me I laugh. When the cheating husband gets speared in the face with a pole. He got what he had coming. Why do we waste our money?