Goodbye?

Well, I've packed everything except a few belongings. I have moved everything out into the hallway except Toothless [my backpack :)] and my computer. I was walking around campus today with Faith and every time I saw someone I knew I'd give them a hug a tell the "good bye" the thing is, I've been telling them good bye thinking that I'll actually be seeing them again. I've shed no tears. Chances of me seeing some of these people again aren't very high. But it hasn't sunk in yet. I feel like it's just another weekend home. Maybe something like Spring Break or Winter Break. I won't see this place for 4 months.

4 months.

You Really Can't Tell Can You?

That I can't stand those looks you give each other when I say something. I know I'm not blameless, but can't you do the whole heaping burning coals on my head or something? Seriously, almost everything I do is unacceptable to you. Am I your friend because you like to make fun of me? Is that it? Are you really that mean? I don't believe that. So what is it? It can't be that you were picked on. . .either one of you so why all the looks like I'm below you? Just because I am doesn't mean you have to act like it! Sometimes I'd just like us to be friends. Sometimes I don't want to be your problem and sometimes I just don't want to hang out with you because of the way you make me feel. So get a clue and STOP IT.

There Have Been Some Changes Around Here. . .

1. 2.

3.

4.

5. 6.

7. 8.

9. 10.

As you can see I've changed my blog around a little. From the name to the picture to the colors. To be honest, yes I had a good reason. My blog before was just a blog and I'm not saying that it's not but I feel that this time it's a little bit more. A little bit more of me.

I went from Black to Gray because I just didn't want to be that dark anymore.
I changed the title and added a description. The Intense Longing is what I'm all about the intense longing to find and hold onto God for dear life. Because He is Life.

The picture went from a sweet edited pic of my eyes to the candle that slowly burns out. I'm going to be searching for answers around the clock.

Don't get me wrong. Yeah I might be focusing on getting answers, but I've realized that some questions don't have answers and I can live with that, but I know that there are answers to some questions. Could I tell you what I'm looking for? I don't know something along the lines of this:

1. A sense of self.

2. A sense of direction.

3. Fun/Friends

4. Love.

5. Peace.

6. Change.

7. Freedom.

8. Humility.

9. Patience.

10. Self-Esteem

You want to know something interesting about all these? Most would say I already have them, and for the most part I do. But let me explain some.

1. A sense of self.

I've been in counseling for about a month and I've learned a lot. While I was talking to Jez the other day I asked him to tell me about himself and he said he never knew what to say to that because he wasn't really sure who he was. That sounds odd doesn't it? But it made perfect sense to me. I don't know who am. I really don't. Yeah I know the basics. I know what I like, I know what I don't like (for the most part). But when it comes down to feelings. I'm lost. When it comes down to where do I fit in. I'm lost. Yeah it might seem like I've got it all going for me but I don't. I don't at all. And I realize that 'finding myself' isn't necessarily important, I feel that once I do I can develop more off of that. Once I find myself I can use myself to further God's kingdom. I also realize that if I'm supposed to find myself, well it's not going to happen without God in fact it won't even come close to happening.

2.A sense of direction.

I'm here at IWU studying to be an Elementary Special Education Teacher. Look at them caps...means it's a real title! But what the heck am I gonna do with that? And furthermore, the most important question is: Is this what God wants me to do? Is this where God wants me. Unfortunately the only way I can find the answer to this is by letting God work. This is God's number.

3. Fun/Friends

I want to have fun with my friends without having to worry about what they think of me. Sometimes I just can't stand the looks that they give me or worse--the looks they exchange with each other. Sometimes I just want to have fun without them getting after me about what I say, what I do, how I look. I feel like I'm under constant criticism with some friends. That's not what friends do. There are things that I just don't say around them because I don't want to have to take the time to defend myself. If I don't want to do this or go there because of this reason can't they just leave it be? Why do they have to question everything I do? Why can't they accept me for the person that I am right here and right now instead of always trying to make me a better person in their eyes?

4. Love

Well of course. Yes, I want someone. Don't take that the wrong way, I'm being serious. I've always been That Girl. You guys out there know exactly who I'm talking about. I'll be your best friend. I'll be that person that you hang out with when you don't wanna hang out with the guys anymore and you just want someone to chill with. You'll talk to me, you'll hang out with me, we'll share a couple inside jokes. I'm almost, but not quite, one of the guys. You come to me for advice about girls and I give you my opinion and you pretend to ignore but sooner or later you'll do it. But your kind of blind. Because I think your cute/hot/adorable/fill-in-the-blank. I like you. But you can't ever know that. Because every time you find that out, I quit being your friend. And I become someone you try to avoid, because as Great of a friend as That Girl is. That Girl is just a friend. She is never anything more. Ever. I'm sick of being That Girl. But I know I'm going to remain That Girl until the day I can tell God that He is the only one I need. I need to come to the realization that I don't really NEED someone. I can live without. But, I'm not there yet.

5. Peace

I want peace. I just don't want to worry anymore. I want to have the confidence that everything is okay. . .even when it might not be. I want to have the kind of peace that Jesus gives. The kind that says "Yeah, you might die. Yeah, you might not. But I have my arms around you and you will be okay. NO. MATTER. WHAT." And it's not just death either. It's everything.

6. Change

In myself. In those around me. In everything.

7. Freedom.

I want freedom from this world and it's view of me. I'm sick of the looks it gives me. I want to be free. Free from the constraints of me sin.

8. Humility.

The majority of the time I am wrong. I like to pretend I'm not. I have to quit pretending and just live it. So what if I'm wrong. Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone fails. They've got to or they'll never learn anything.

9. Patience

Thing is, I want all these things done RIGHT NOW. But that's not the way things work. I've got to learn that things take time. Especially in my field of study. I need patience in everything.

10. Self-Esteem

This is a big one. I've never felt beautiful. Yeah I've looked beautiful, but usually I was wearing make up and I felt fake. See, there is a huge difference in the words LOOK/AM/ARE and the word FEEL. Yes, according to some people I AM beautiful. But not to me, I've never FELT beautiful. I know that God created us in His image and God is beautiful, but sometimes I look in the mirror and I just don't see it. I don't see what everyone else sees. I want to. I want to so bad, but I can't. God please help me I can't see it. Nothing anyone says to me is a horrible as what I say to myself. That has to stop. I have to quit putting myself down. But with people coming at me from all sides telling me that this about me needs to change and that needs to change how can I? I'm not blaming them I'm just saying that it's not just me.

I like to relate everything to pictures and songs I'll explain or try to:

1. The Great Pretender by The Platters

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QP8xff2X46A

Honestly it's what I've been doing for quite a while.

You'll see the picture at the end, but sometimes it's what I come down to. Who do I want to be today? Which head do I put on?

2. This is Home by Switchfoot

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=N0ykm1v9xbU

I wanna know were exactly home is.

There's a fork in the road. I want to know where the road goes.

3. You've Got a Friend in Me from Toy Story

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XHFy3YWpRx8

I want that friend that is there for me. I want those friends that I can have honest-to-goodness-FUN with.

This picture was taken last semester when Ana and I were studying. Back when we had fun all the time.

4. Haven't Met You Yet by Michael Bublé

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1AJmKkU5POA

Caleb Collins got me listening to Michael Bublé and this was one of the first songs I listened to. Couldn't help it, it's all true. Someday I'll have someone. I just haven't met them yet.

This picture is from How to Train Your Dragon. I love it.

5. Say (All I Need) by One Republic

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GRSZpV6WIuU

All I need is the air I breathe and a place to lay my head. I want to feel that way some day.

The picture says it plainly

6. Changing World by Kutless

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ff5rwvHNgA

Everything is changing. And I want to change. I need to change. The song doesn't really say that but it talks about how quickly things can change and who we need to give control.

The picture is sad. It's a problem in this world. One of the many that need to change.

7. Ready to Run by Attaboy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gj4EnchhlCg

I want to be so free that I can just run. Run when needed. Run where needed.

Ari and I went on a photoshoot and we went to the park and I got to play with some kids there. I was sick of posing to be honest and it was a nice change

8. Less is More by Relient K

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GVZ6rLZ3PyE

Calling out to God 100% humbled. Nothing is better than that.

And for my embarrassment this picture was one of my senior pics. I'd fallen in the mud and wet my pants.

9. If It Means A Lot To You by A Day to Remember

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fzq1Kmu7Xmg

I don't really know if this song actually has anything to do with patience. But I felt like I should use it.

Again with the photoshoot. We had only take a few pictures and I was already getting tired. But the thing is, I asked Ari to do this, I had no right to be impatient with her.

10. I Am Beautiful by Christina Aguilera

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A2vqXrEYmhI

Something to keep in mind.

The picture is one that I think I look good in. But I know there are others.

And The End Draws Nearer?

LKFAHL;HOIUWEH;FOHQF;LJKADS;FJH'OEWIUHG'OQHG'LJADHF/LKJO'IASHDFOIHWEFJHQALJKF/LKFJS/DLKFJ'ISWHG;JQEWHF.KJNHAF/'LKDAF'ALKFHAKLJEH;QHAG'OADH/FLKJSDO'IF'WORH/LKJF'AKJ'ODFH'IWHETLQA/FKJ'SDIFH'

My walls are empty. Okay ALMOST empty. But my door is definitely empty. My dresser is empty. My desk is empty.

My head feels empty.

If only my throat was empty of the phlegm that keeps irritating it.

My Exam schedule is as follows:

Monday:

10:00-11:50: New Testament

2:00-3:50: American Education

Tuesday:

6:15-9:15: Philosophy

Wednesday:

8:00-9:50: Math for Elementary Teachers

10:00-11:50: World Civilization

You know what that means right?

My freshman year is about over.

Over

Over

Over

over

this is so depressing. . .I'm going to bed

Notes on Romans 4

What does it take? It takes

March 11, 2010 2:30AM

"The solution is life on God's Terms" it's so plain and simple and yet so hard to actually do. I want so badly to live life on God's terms. I want to cry and swear I'll fix it. But I know that the want only goes so far I do and at the same time don't want to make the effort. I'm fighting inwardly--constantly fighting. And at the same time I don't want to make the effort. I'm fighting inwardly--constantly fighting. And at the same time I want to know what I'm fighting for

I'm desperately fighting

Fighting so hard

An inward battle against myself

8:3-4. . .And now what the law code asked for but we couldn't deliver is accomplished as we, instead of redoubling our own efforts, simply embrace what the spirit is doing in us.

There is nothing I can do except embrace the Spirit

I want to. . . .but I don't know how I mean what does it take?

8:12-14--God's spirit beckons. There are things to do and places to go!

Chapter 8 is. . . . . . . .

9:14-18. . . . .Compassion doesn't originate in our bleeding hearts or moral sweat, but in God's mercy

Notes on Romans 3

March 9, 2010 1:50 AM

7:8-12. . .The law code started out as an excellent piece of work. What happened, though, was that sin found a way to pervert the command with Temptation. . .

I feel like this is what has happened to our government now. . .

OH WOW. . . . .7:14-25. . .AMAZING. Because I just wrote a letter to God that addressed this very thing.