Blah Number Two: Home

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My thoughts on home ^.

What does home mean to you? I mean really.

What does house mean to you? I mean really.

You know there's a difference right.

House holds my family
Home holds my friends
House holds injustice
Home holds happiness
House holds unfairness
Home holds freedom

My house is no longer my home. But then again, I don't remember the last time it was. I had to grow up when I was 11. I started doing more housework than the other kids. I started babysitting. I just felt like I was doing more. For less. Heck, the pastor of my church calls me Matilda and Cinderella. Do you know what those characters have in common? Look it up.

I just don't understand it sometimes. I don't know how to explain it.

Nevermind how about this:

I DON'T LIKE BEING AT MY HOUSE.

I WANT TO BE HOME

BUT I DON'T KNOW WHERE HOME IS

HOME IS NOT MY HOUSE. IT'S TOO CONFINING. IT'S TOO UNFAIR (yes unFAIR). IT'S TOO DEMANDING. IT'S TOO PREDICTABLE.

HOME IS NOT SCHOOL. IT'S TOO TEMPORARY. IT'S TOO JUDGEMENTAL. IT'S TOO DEMANDING. IT'S TOO PREDICATABLE. SOMETIMES, IT'S TOO MUCH LIKE HOUSE.

HOME IS NOT AT A FRIENDS HOUSE. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE FRIENDS LIKE THAT.

HOME IS NOT CHURCH. BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CHURCH.

HOME IS BOOKS. MUSIC. FRIENDS. LOVE.
AND NOT ANY OF THOSE THINGS AT ALL.
BOOKS WILL END.
MUSIC CAN'T STAY THE SAME
FRIENDS ARE TOO JUDGEMENTAL
LOVE IN THIS WORLD IS CONDITIONAL--AT BEST.









I'M EMOTIONALLY HOMELESS.





WILL WORK FOR UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.



SOMETIMES I FEEL LOST
ALL THE TIME.

Blah Number One: Weddings

So as I was sitting at home after doing absolutely nothing for about two weeks I realized that today was Kate Behrenwald's Wedding. I don't usually forget things like this, but I didn't even know Kate was engaged until it popped up on my facebook feed that she had found THE dress. Didn't even know she was dating anybody. ANYWAY. I looked at the clock and it was around 2:34. I got to thinking how Kate and Mark must feel. Are they nervous? Are they excited? Are they just a shell of mixed up emotions that they can't let out? What's going through their heads right now? And at the wedding. Is it bad to think that I thought the bride's sister was prettier? I mean yeah Kate had the dress. Kate had the vows. But the only thing special I noticed about Kate was the dress. It was an awesome dress don't get me wrong. And Kate was 112% beautiful in it. But there was just something about her sister that awed me. Maybe it's the fact that Kate's younger than she is. Maybe it was how composed she was and how pretty she looked knowing that this was her baby sister's special day. That her sister was entering into a commitment that she hadn't. Knowing that, on one hand, she couldn't really help her sister all that much. And I know that this is just me talking and I could be wrong about everything but I know that if my younger sister got married before me I'd be a wreck. Especially if I had to be in the wedding. I know it's all about God's timing but sometimes Human Nature gets the best of us. And what's the deal with weddings anyway. Mark and Kate's wedding was less than 15 minutes long. It took longer to get a seat than it took for the ceremony! Why all the planning? I know this is a special day but it just doesn't make sense to me? And why all the pressure. I'm 17 years old and I was getting asked again and again when they'd be attending my wedding and what I had planned. OF course maybe that's how Kate's sister feels. Why the pressure. What does it matter if my baby sister gets married first? On one hand I understand. On the other hand I don't at all. This brings to mind a quote I like:

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Interpret that please!