Matthew 25:34-36
Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Enter, you who are blessed by my Father! Take what's coming to you in this kingdom. It's been ready for you since the world's foundation. And here's why:
I was hungry and you fed me,
I was thirsty and you gave me a drink,
I was homeless and you gave me a room,
I was shivering and you gave me clothes,
I was sick and you stopped to visit,
I was in prison and you came to me.'
Let me tell my story about a boy. We'll call him Oliver. (because I don't do real names!)
I met Oliver in February of 2010. He came to IWU as an accepted senior. And while he may not remember it, this is how we met from my point of view:
I was standing off to the side with Ali when I saw him. I literally saw him all the way across the room. Just a glance. That's all. But I thought to myself. . .Well! I'm probably the same age as he is, nothing wrong with finding him attractive! He should come over and talk to us so I don't have to be the awkward freshman preying on the high schooler! Not even 10 minutes later. This boy and his friend walked over to us.
"Can we ask you a question? It's for a game. . ."
The question?
What is the hard part of a shoelace called? And me, the queen of random facts, could not think of the answer. And we told them so. They walked away.
Later that night we saw them again and went to Friday Night Live with them.
Afterwards we hung out in Evans until 1:30AM.
I almost attended Oliver's Graduation Open House, but couldn't because of work. But I sent him a card, because I was determined to see this boy again. There was just something about him. I didn't care if he had a girlfriend at the time. I wanted to get to know him. He messaged me a few times over the summer with questions on what to pack and what not to pack.
Fast-Forward to September, Freshman Orientation.
I saw him. I talked to him, I met his mother.
I told him, anytime you want to hang out, my number is on my facebook, call me, text me, whatever. And he did. We met up at my dorm to hang out at the Luau together.
We didn't end up going to the Luau. No we walked to the park and had one of the most amazing conversations I'd ever had. I'm not kidding you. There was something about this boy that was different. Unlike anything I'd ever experienced. I lost my cool, I lost my filter. I was raw and uncensored (not in the dirty way please!) I said whatever came to my mind. At the exact moment that it came to my mind. The words "You're attractive" and "I'm attracted to you" left my mouth several times. And each and every time he took it. No judgement. No patronizing. No teasing. I was so embarrassed, but it was SO REFRESHING. As we walked back from the park I distinctly remember telling him that all good boyfriend/girlfriend relationships start out as friends. I then awkwardly word vomited out that thats-not-why-i-want-to-be-your-friend-but-i-still-find-you-attractive type thing and I gave up. I sighed and I looked at him and I said "I like you Oliver" and he looked at me and said "I like you too, Lydia." And because I am me. I soared. I flew. And worst of all. I hoped.
We had other random meetings, hangout sessions. It was great. He didn't have a girlfriend anymore, but that didn't really change anything that I hadn't already felt.
We ended up going to Friday Night Live together and at this point I was flat-out crushing on this guy. But everything about it made sense. Every little feeling I had. It was awful and wonderful at the same time. And I had no idea how to handle it.
We ended up getting together almost once a week and have lunch. We never planned it, it just happened. And it didn't matter if I was crushing on someone else at the time. Every time I sat down at a table with him to eat, we always had the most inspiring conversations. He made me think in ways I hadn't even considered. He welcomed every new idea had and built onto them. He never judged. Yes, he may have disagreed, but even then we had some of the best arguments that always ended on good terms. It was amazing, and again, unlike anything I'd ever experienced in my life. What the hell was this boy doing to me?
My crush on him began to lessen and soon it was just simple friendship, but i still felt so much more different around him than I did anyone else and I loved it and I hated it and it confused me all at the same time.
McK happened. Collins happened. But I still had Oliver and the art shows. We agreed to go to each one whenever there was a new one. Because with him I could look at the art and I could actually TALK ABOUT THE ART. I had no one else to do this with. And it was again, wonderful and not at the same time. And then we saw
these. Scroll down to the snapshots. There should be three photos each featuring a blue-haired girl. And those paintings just screamed at me. They screamed at me things from when I was sexually abused. They unsettled me. And he was there for that. He was there as I explained what each painting said to me. And he put his hand on my shoulder and he prayed for me. From there we went to the park again where I told him my life story. We played on the swings and we jumped off and then we sat in the gravel sand and we played with it and we talked about life. Just life. And can you guess? It was wonderful and I loved it and I hated it and it confused me SO MUCH. Looking back it seems so surreal. Almost like it never happened. But it did. It happened. Christmas break also happened. And even though I didn't see him I was still soaring. I was flying so far above the clouds I might as well have been in outer space. I think I even passed Pluto. And worst of all, I was still hoping. I was head over heels. Yeah, I was crushing on Collins, but I knew that Collins was going nowhere. And Oliver? He had everywhere to go. He'd already gotten the friendship stamp of approval. My friends loved him. They loved him for how he made me feel. They loved him for how God-centered he was. They loved him. And of all the guys I'd ever had a crush on, they were confident that he and I would make an excellent match.
It was at Rebash in January that I fell. I didn't just fall. I crashed. It's true really. The higher you rise the longer you fall and the more you hurt. I saw him. Following my friend Leah around like a puppy. No really. It was kind of sickening. He just followed her around while she took pictures. And I knew. I knew that something was wrong. Okay not wrong. But I knew that whatever was happening here. I wasn't going to be okay with it. And thus began Oliver and Leah. It started out as friendship and I was okay with that. I was. I mean yeah the time they spent together was unsettling at best, but I'm a pro at this heart break stuff. It didn't really change how I felt about him because once again, he was there when I needed him most and it was great. He was (and to this day) the only boy I've ever met who desires my company and has sought it out. We still got together for the art shows and we still talked about things and it was still amazing but every time I saw them together, I hurt. This sounds so cliche, but my heart actually hurt. And then it happened.
I was working at the Globe. Sitting there with some friends who were playing the ukulele when I saw them. They were holding hands. I couldn't take it. I left. I went to the bathroom and I tried. I tried so fucking hard to cry you wouldn't believe it and I could it feel it. This pain just emanating from my chest, but it wasn't physical pain. It was a type of pain that I hadn't felt in a long time. And it hurt like hell. But.I.Could.Not.Fucking.Cry. The tears welled up. But they did not fall. They did not fall. I went back to the Globe and my friends tried to make me feel better by playing me songs on the ukulele, but it didn't work. I was so messed up over this that I talked to Collins about it for advice. How's that for screwed up?
I think the worst part is that Oliver never officially mentioned anything. But I knew. I knew that things were different because the last art show that we went to. . .he went with her first and then me. I'd love to say that he did that on purpose, but I know him and that is so unlike him. No, he went to see it with me because I asked him. And he enjoys my company. We had a few chance encounters for dinner on Sunday nights. And it was so weird, because I was the only one who brought Leah up. And it was weird because she'd be in Baldwin eating with her friends and it was like they didn't even know each other and it bothered me. I can deal with them having a relationship, but whatever it is they have. . .I've never had to experience that. And I hate it. I hate it so much. There was one night when we were talking about relationships and I shared with him the revelations that I've found. And we talked about what it takes to make a relationship and things like that. And I realized during that conversation that I couldn't do this to myself. Sometimes I think I'm being selfish in these situations, but really, I'm the only one involved. I gave him up. I decided I was done. I told him that too. I told him that I'd liked him for about a year and that I finally realized that I couldn't keep holding out for him. I couldn't do it. It was too risky. He claims that it's good to get hurt in relationships and maybe he's right, but if I'm the only one getting hurt then what good is that doing for anyone else? I have enough on my plate right now I don't need this too! So I took my heart back from him. Because the careless person that I am, every conversation we'd had, every chance meal we'd shared together, every text message exchanged, I gave a little piece of my hear to him. There really is nothing wrong with that EXCEPT. He didn't want it. He didn't even know he had it. Maybe that's my fault, but then again, I accidently told him almost every time I saw him that I liked him. So maybe he really is as oblivious as he says he is. Either way, I was careless and now I had to fix it. So I stopped talking to him like I liked him and I started talking to him like my friend. But the problem is. It was the same thing. He made me so comfortable that I became myself around him. As much of myself as I can be. He saw it all. He's probably only the second guy in my entire life to see it all. And I'd venture to say he saw more.
I'm sitting here on the couch in the basement. The movie Bella is playing. There is a boy sleeping on another couch across from me. There is another boy sleeping in a bedroom down the hallway. Two parents and young girl are asleep upstairs, along with two cats, Lily and Hobbs. There is something extremely important about all these details:
This basement is not mine.
The boy sleeping across the room is not family.
The family sleeping in this house is not mine.
And neither are those cats.
And I.
I am overwhelmingly grateful.
It was at one of those Sunday dinners that we talked about Spring Break and I talked about how I couldn't go home. I just couldn't do it. Especially
after what happened over Christmas Break. And do you know what he said to me?
"Come home with me."
And he was serious. He was 112% serious. I'm not going to lie I was so take aback by this statement that I blew it off and the next week I raised the subject again and he met it with the same reaction. I'll be completely honest with you and say that until he and his roommate picked me up from Evans last Friday, I still wasn't sure. But here I am. I've met his family, I've met his friends, I've hung out with him, I've teased him and he's teased me right back. Saturday we are going to Lakeview and he is going to meet my family and all of my friends. And every part of me is screaming that this is what people in relationships do. But I know. I know that all this is is friendship. Fucking friendship. And I hate it. I want to bad to get over him. To get on with my life. But I don't know how because every other time I've had to get over a boy I just cry him out of my system but how do you cry someone out of your system when your physically incapable of crying for someone? What do you do to get over them? This boy is spending a week sleeping on a COUCH. I came to him homeless and he gave me HIS room. You don't just get over that. I don't care who you are.
It was interesting to me, because Oliver, his mom and I were having a discussion and he began talking about how God was going to judge us and he somehow came to how privileged he was as opposed to someone else and how he had done justice to that person. And I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Who gives a care if you didn't help that person. Maybe it wasn't in God's plan for you to help that person. But you know what I know?
I was homeless and you gave me a room, I think that is just as good as doing justice to that other person.
"Come home with me."
The hard part of a shoelace is called an
aglet.