You're In All the Wrong Places

Heyo! I've relocated. Yeah I know. You've got to remember a different URL. Well I made it easy for you this time.

http://lydiasamantha.tumblr.com/

There you go (:

Frustrations From a "Best Friend. . .?"

Sometimes I just want to talk to you.

Not about an ex-girlfriend.

Not about anything.

I just want to talk to you like a best friend talks to another.

I want the inside jokes and funny nicknames back.

I want to talk to you late into the night about absolutely nothing.

Sometime I just don’t want to talk about her anymore.

But at the same time, I so desperately want to be there for you.

I want to let you talk out all the hurt and the pain.

I want to wrap my arms around you and tell you

It’ll all be okay, friend, you can get through this.

I want you to call me at 3 in the morning with a breakthrough

Sometimes I feel used.

Like you only talk to me because I am willing to help you.

You only talk to me about her.

And I want to scream at you.

You can be so inconsiderate

But there is something about me

That takes it all in

I take it in and I let it wash over me

And I do the best I can to help you

I do. I do. But sometimes I just curl up and cry

Because there is so much that I want to say to you

So I’m going to say it now.

Get over her.

Just get over and get on with your life.

She hurt you.

I understand that you have to deal with it.

But it doesn’t have to occupy every second of your life.

You can’t keep living like this.

Sooner or later you’re going to drive away everyone close to you.

You’ve come so close to driving me away.

But there’s just something about you.

And God keeps telling me to wait.

So here I am.

I’m waiting.

And through all of this waiting

I will talk to you about your ex-girlfriend.

I will text you everyday

And when I say something that pisses you off,

I will retract it, I will apologize and I will wish

Every single day,

That all of this.

All of this that I’ve written

Would be known to you.

But until that day,

Everything will continue

Exactly

The

Way

It

Is.

Dang it, I’m writing poetry again.

Worry.

It's amazing how the phrase "Don't worry about me, I'll be okay" can seem so frightening, so daunting. And it never works. I mean honestly. . .how many times do people say this? And what happens? You just worry even more. And that's where I'm at. I'm so worried and scared and I feel helpless. I know. I shouldn't worry. I know my friend says they'll be okay. But I just can't help not believing them. Maybe it's because I desire to help people so much that I can't just let them go. I need to work on that. I need to work on loosening the ties I have on my friends. But at the same time I have to make sure that I don't just stop caring about them. Ha what am I talking about. . .I can't just stop caring about anyone. I feel like I'm doomed to worry about all of my friends. Maybe I worry about them because it's easier than worrying about my own problems.

The Things I Do

I just seem to drive away all the guys in my life away from me. I try so desperately to be just friends with them, but something always happens. Always. I always do something that makes them realize they can't be friends with me. I'm afraid I've done it again. But I can't lose this friend. I can't do it. It hurts too much because his friendship means too much to me.

Change?

I want to be able to miss him. I want to post on his wall and say "I miss you, friend." I want to text him and say "When are you gonna visit me?" I want him to respond by telling me how much he misses me and telling me he's going to visit me soon. But I know that none of that is ever going to happen. Honestly, I'm not even sure that I really want that anymore. I mean after everything that happened between us. . .God I just wish that nothing had changed. I wish that most of all. And that is the one thing that will always happen. Things will always change.

Summer Summer

It's a song by The Almost and I honestly just put that in the title and then I decided to look up the lyrics and I came across something I found rather interesting.

Empty streets, empty me
Just call me vagabond
Wandering in the sun
This is getting sort of old
Wandering aimlessly
Is it empty streets or empty me?

Here's the thing about this summer. Actually about here on out. I want things to be different. I caught myself doing something today. I've been finding someone I work with kind of attractive. He like country music. I hate it, but I thought about starting to listen to it just so I'd have something to talk to him about. And that's not okay. I don't need to start changing myself for people. I hate that about other people but I've realized that I do it far too often. So I began to wonder, have I ever done anything for me? Anything because I wanted to? Anything because it was my idea? I know I have, don't get me wrong, but there are just so many parts of my daily life that have become so mundane and I think to myself "Why do I do these things?" and I far too often catch myself saying "Because So-and-So. . ." and that's not okay with me. I started a journey to find myself. But how can I find myself when so much of my life is defined by other people? Where are the projects I did for me? Who are the artists I listened to for me? Where are the clothes that I wear for me? What is the hairstyle for me? Is it okay for me to base these things off of the opinion of everyone else so much so that I do it FOR them? Do I listen to this artist because HE likes it or do I keep my hair long because THEY like it?

Is it an empty campus? Or is it an empty me? I think it's neither but both at the same time.